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Keepinga grin on my lips,Inod. “She’sa pretty girl.WhatcanIsay?”
“Now,Ihave got to ask something else.Thisone is a bit… personal, that okay?”
“Sure, sure.Youknow me,Eddie.I’man open book.”Iamabso-fucking-lutelynot an open book.
“Alright, alright.Soyou and this chick were in there for six hours.Didn’t… nature call?Imean, my wife can’t drive from one end ofTheGroveparking lot to the other without peeing twice, soIknow she’d never survive six hours in an elevator.”Eddiemockingly makes the symbol of the cross.
“Well, this is kind of a funny part of the story thatIactually haven’t told anyone before.Doyou guys want to hear it?”
“Dowe want to hear it?”Eddiemotions for the audience to cheer. “Yeah, we want to hear it!”
“Alright,I’lltell you.Butit’s just between us, right?”
Eddienods at me, then at the studio audience, and then at his camera. “It’sjust between us, rightAmerica?”
“Well, shedidactually pee while we were in there.Shehad to go pretty soon after we got stuck in there.Andlet me just say that it broke the ice.”
“You’retelling me this chick peed right in front of you?”
Inod. “Naturecalls, man.Itwas life and death in there.Thetwo of us were stuck in a five-foot by five-foot box together for six hours.”
“What, like she just popped a squat in the corner of the damn elevator?Ican’t believe this!You’remaking this up!”
“I’mnot, man,Iswear it.Shehad to go.AndIdid what a man does.Icame up with a solution.Ihad just been at my agent’s office, and they sent me off with this giant bag of swag.AndIwasn’t just going to let her pee in the corner.Ididn’t know how long we were going to be stuck in there for.So,Igave her this big water bottle that had my face on it.Igave her my coat to give her some extra privacy, andIhugged the corner, giving her what little space we had.Andshe did what needed to be done.”
“America, now that is a gentleman.”Eddieleans forward in a mocking bow. “Isalute you, sir.”
“Thankyou, sir.Thankyou, sir,”Iaccept his praise with a big smile.ThenIturn serious. “Butshe did her part, too.First, she had good aim.Let’sjust say that.Butshe had this big purse with her.Andlet me tell you that this woman is a baker.Shehad protein balls and cookies in this giant purse of hers.I’dbeen on a strict diet and working out nonstop to get in shape for a role.AndIswear to you,Iwould have wasted away in that elevator if not for this woman and her snacks.Youall need to check outLadycakes, right here inL.A.Thosesnacks saved my life.”
“Whatthe hell was going on in this elevator?Andwhat doIhave to do to get stuck in one?AmIright,America?AmIright?”
“Justneed to find the right elevator and the right girl,Iguess.”
“Itsounds like there was a lot of bonding that happened in this elevator.”
“Sixhours trapped in an elevator is like six months in the real world, let me tell you.Wemight have walked in strangers, but when we left, well…”Ismile and look offstage, likeI’mtoo embarrassed to go on.
“Holdup now.Areyou telling me that something’s going on with this girl?You’renot… are you dating the girl from the elevator?”Hedoesn’t even wait for me to confirm it before he pans towards the camera and speaks directly into it. “America, this isEddieParsonscoming to you live with breaking news.America’sfavorite heartthrob and two-time sexiest man alive is dating the girl he met when trapped in an elevator.JacksonWatersis dating #elevatorgirl!”
Ishrug, deciding not to giveEddieanything else and just let him run with what he has.
“Apparently, the way toJacksonWaters’ heart is to spillwaterright in front of him.Bad-uh-boom!”
“Ha-ha-ha.Veryfunny,Eddie.”
“That’sall we have time for tonight, folks.Thankyou for coming, sir.Youare a scholar and a gentleman.Isalute you, sir.Andgood luck with the little lady!”
Ijust grin in reply until the camera cuts.Ilike the guy, butEddie’snot capable of keeping a secret.So, ifIwasn’t willing to say it on air,Isure as hell won’t be saying anything to him after the cameras cut.
Myphone buzzes in my pocket with perfect timing. “Ishould probably check on this.Goodto see you,Eddie.”
Lily:You’redating the girl from the elevator?
Lily:Whatthe hell?Whyare you telling this to all ofNORTHAMERICAbefore you even tell yourBESTFRIEND?
Shit.
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