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“Wedon’t know how long we’re going to be in here.Let’sjust stick to right here and now.What’shappening in this elevator is all that matters.Howbad do you have to go?Isthis like a five-alarm-kind of situation?Oris this more of a can-we-pull-over-in-the-next-hour-or-so-kind of situation?”
Closingmy eyes,Itilt my face up towards the elevator ceiling.IthinkI’dtake a lightning strike directly to my head over this conversation. “Morefive alarm than pulling over in the next hour.”
“Okay.Atleast we know what we’re working with, then.”
Peekingat him out of one eye,Iwatch asJacksonlooks around from left to right.Hiseyes slowly pan over the walls and floor of the elevator.Ifhe notices me sitting in the corner, his slow gaze doesn’t let on.Toa man likeJacksonWaters,Iprobably just blend in with the stainless steel lining the walls of the elevator.I’ma normie, a non-celebrity.I’ma shade of gray compared to his peacock-level handsomeness.Andprobably a little reflective with the sheen of sweat covering me from the effort of clenching my legs together this hard.
Thinkof the desert.Thinkof the desert.Thinkof the desert.
“Youokay over there?”
Idon’t open my eyes.They’reclenched tightly shut.Allof me isclenchedat the moment.Ican’t look at him for another second.
Iam going to pee in front of this man.
Thatis a fact.
Thisis not some hypothetical would you rather drinking gameIused to play in college.
Thisis not a drill.
Iam going to take a giant pee in front ofVampireVincentDeMarcofromRaven’sRavine.
AndIwill never live down the shame.
Never.
“You’restarting to make me nervous.Howare you doing over there?”
“Ifeel likeI’msupposed to tell you that everything’s fine.Thatit’s all good.”
Myeyes open, andI’msure thatIlook like some kind of demonic hellbeast about to charJacksonwith my fiery breath before gobbling him up in a single mouthful.Suchis the state of my spinning out.Idon’t know up from down.Idon’t know real from fake.Idon’t know wrong from right.I’mtrapped in a metal box with the hottest movie star on the planet.AndI’mabout to pass out from having to pee so badly.
“Butall is not well,Jackson!”
“Thisseems like maybe it’s a larger conversation than the whole pee thing…”
“Thewhole pee thing?Thewhole pee thing?Thefact thatI’mabout to literally explode is funny to you?”
Heholds up his hands to ward off my words. “Noone’s laughing.ButIhave an idea.”
Myheart leaps, andIwonder if the change in weight is going to convince the elevator that we’re not even in here anymore, so it will open the doors and let us out.Itdoesn’t.
“Youknow how to get us out of here?”
Jacksonwinces. “Sorry, no.ButIknow what to do about the peeing thing.”
“Justspit it out already!”
“Iwas just at my agent’s office.Hisassistant is a bit of a suck-up, always giving me stuff.Today, he gave me this ugly tote bag full of a bunch of useless shit.There’sa big water bottle.Iwas thinking maybe you could use that to, you know… it’s empty.”
“Youwant me to pee into your water bottle?”
“Wantis probably a strong word.ButIthink you should.Youlook like you’re suffering over there.”
“Icannotpee in front of you.Thiselevator is what, five feet by five feet?You’llhear every single… sound.”
“Everybodypees.”
