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WhenIdon’t make a move, he reaches a hand out to me. “Youlook like you’re in physical pain.It’sjust a little pee.Justdo it.You’llfeel a million times better.Idon’t know how long we’re going to be in here for.Butit could be a while.”
I’mnot sure whichIhate more, that he’s right, or thatIknow he’s right.Holdingmy hand out to him,IletJacksonhelp pull me up off the floor asIpush myself up to stand.
“Idon’t thinkIcan do this.”
“Idon’t think you have much of a choice.Here, take my jacket.It’llgive you a little more privacy.There’sprobably a camera in here somewhere.”Heshrugs out of his black leather jacket and motions for me to turn around.Thenhe drapes it over my shoulders.
“Canyou go over there?Likeas far as humanly possible in the corner.Andturn up the music as loud as it’ll go.Anddon’t listen.”
Jacksonmoves to the far corner and presses his face into the elevator wall. “Trustme,I’mnot trying to listen.ButIhave ears.Andthis elevator is only so big.”
“Well…”Ibite my lip, grasping frantically for options, and knowingIdon’t have a lot of time left. “Coveryour ears and sing along to the music.Asloud as you can.Thenyou won’t be able to hear… anything.”
“Youwant me to sing to you… while youpee?”
“Yes.”
“Finally, the woman saysyesto something.Andit’sthat.”
“Ican’t believeI’mgoing to do this.”
“Ican’t believe it took this much convincing when it’s obviously almost a medical emergency.”
“Startsinging.Loud!”Ishout at him.GratefulthatI’mwearing a dress and grateful that this elevator has metal walls for privacy,Iunscrew the lid of the water bottle and tug my underwear to the side.
Andthen it happens.Iam peeing into a water bottle four feet fromJacksonWaterswhile he sings to me.
Thisis the most unhinged serenade in human history.
LosAngelesis filled with hundreds of rooms full of thousands of writers all huddled together trying to come up with funny scenes.AndhereIstumbled right onto one.Justpee in a water bottle in an elevator in front of a movie star.That’sa guaranteed laugh.Exceptfor the person doing the peeing.
Ipee, andIpee, andIpee.WhenI’mfinally done,Iscrew the lid back on the water bottle and put it in the far corner of the elevator.
ThenIslide back down to the floor, the skirt of my dress puffing out around me.Mylegs feel weak.LikeIjust ran a marathon, or howIimagine they’d feel ifIjust ran a marathon.Becausethe closestI’vecome to running a marathon isBlackFridayshopping atTheGrove.
“Ohmy fucking god, that feltgood.”
Jacksonturns around to face me. “Yousound like you just had an orga… never mind.”
“Thatwas better than anynever mindI’veever had.”
“Lady, if pissing into a water bottle is better than any orgasm you’ve ever had, the guys you’ve been with are doing something wrong.”
chapterfour
jackson
Wesit in silence for a bit.Whatis there really to say now that the pissing emergency is over?Shepulled some hand sanitizer out of her purse and then made both of us use it, althoughI’mpretty sure neither of us actually touched anything.Imean,Ididn’t see what she was doing.Ikept my eyes closed and sang my lungs out, as requested.ButIunderstand how female anatomy works, even if it’s been a hell of a long time sinceIexplored any for myself.That’sprobably because it’s been a long time sinceIspent this much time with anyone who didn’t work for me or work with me on set.
“Shit.Ineed to make a call.Sorry,”Imutter under my breath asIpull out my phone to call my publicist.Iturned it off and put it away to conserve the battery afterSelenafinished pissing in my water bottle.
“Oh, no problem.Iwould offer to leave the room, but you know.”Sheshrugs and then glares at the closed elevator doors.
Afew taps on my phone screen andVal’svoice rings out in the elevator.Evenwhen she’s not on speaker, her voice tends to carry.Butshe’s the best publicist inL.A.I’vebeen working with her sinceIwas nineteen and booked my second gig ever on a teenage vampire show.Quickly,Ilay out the basics:I’mstuck in an elevator, butI’mfine.Getme the hell out of here.
Valsounds worried. “Areyou okay?I’mright here.Doyou want me to stay on the line until they get you out?”Thesound is muffled, butIhear her shouting directions to her staff to find out who knows thatI’min here and whenI’mgoing to get out.
“Val,I’mnot staying on the damn phone with you for hours.EvenIcouldn’t afford the bill.”
