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“You know,” I warn, “if you give those girls an inch, they’ll take a mile.”
He starts clearing up the counters, which has the undoubtedly intended benefit of keeping his back to me. “They’ve been through a lot and they’re good kids. They deserve this.”
I can’t exactly disagree with that. “Here, let me help clean up.”
He yanks the batter bowl away from me with a speed that can only be interpreted as insulting. “Not necessary. I can handle it.”
I sigh and relent. I know how this story ends. So instead, I concentrate on my delicious, chocolate-infused tea. It’s so good it almost makes up for the fact that I can’t drink coffee. My gaze veers towards the French doors. The girls have ventured further into the garden. I can spot them in the distance, sitting on the grass with their legs crossed and their plates balancing on their laps. Josh is walking over to them now, his shoulders hunched.
“Josh seems so tired lately.” I’m just thinking out loud here, although I should know better than that by now. Thinking out loud is dangerous when you’re with certain people.
“He needs a therapist.”
The crackle in his voice has me turning back towards the kitchen. His glower has gotten more intense—which only pisses me off. Of course I know that Josh needs a therapist. I believeI’mthe one who brought it up with Kirill. A few times, actually.
I’m just about to mention that when he cuts me off. “He’s been suffering silently for a while now and this should have been dealt with a long time ago.”
Is he for real right now?“I was trying to get him some help—”
“When?” Ruslan demands. “Afterhe had a full-blown anxiety attack?”
My jaw snaps shut. My instinct is to just walk away.Don’t stoop to his level.But to walk away now would be to imply that he’s right about everything.
So I get my soap box out and I get to work.
“Excuse me, but where do you get off judging me about Josh? I’ve been doing the best I can to make sure he’s alright. That’s he’s happy. And safe.”
“Safe?” Ruslan scoffs. “If that were the case, you’d have kicked Ben out a long time ago.”
That takes me off-guard but I double down. “It wasn’t that easy. He is their father—”
Ruslan snorts. “Some fucking father. Threatening his kid with physical violence if he doesn’t do what he wants.”
I stop short. “H-he… did what?”
Ruslan glances towards the garden. “Josh didn’t want you to know. He didn’t want you to worry.”
Oh, God.It’s always a bad sign when I hear my mother’s voice in my head. She is the demon of self-doubt that’s haunted me my entire life. And she lit fresh fires that have been simmering evilly since our call a few weeks ago.
Bad guardian.
Bad mother.
Bad person.
“You didn’t know.” Ruslan’s voice is gruff, unsympathetic. “But you should have.”
I agree. But the stress and the pressure of dealing with all these issues on my own for so long has taken a toll. And what’s the point of getting my soap box out if I’m not gonna use it?
“Yeah, you’re right,” I snap. “I should have—but I didn’t. Because I was busy trying to pay the bills and maintain a roof over their heads. I was trying to pay off my sister’s debts and keep the kids in the school they were in before their mother died. I was trying to juggle being a momanda dadandthe sole breadwinner. So yeah—I did fall short. I doubt it’s gonna be the last time, either. Shocking as it may seem to you, Ruslan, I am human! I didn’t ask for any of this. But I sure as hell tried my best when it landed on my lap.” I slap a hand down on the countertop because I’m suddenly so dizzy with anger that standing upright is a challenge. “Oh, and by the way, I asked Kirill about a therapistweeksago. Forallthe kids. He told me that he would look into it, but I assumed that was his way of saying he needed to check withyou. We could have saved ourselves a lot of time if I could have just come to you with this suggestion instead of Kirill. Butno, you’re so damned wrapped up in your own ego that you can’t bear to be alone with me for five seconds without some sort of buffer present. Well, I got news for you buddy: we’re having a baby together. So, like it or not, you’re gonna have to deal with your feelings and talk to me at some point!”
I’m winded by the time I’m done. Ruslan’s face is completely unreadable, but I get the feeling that there are things bubbling around below the surface. Too bad I don’t give a shit about any of them.
“Emma—”
I flinch back from his reach. “Excuse me. I need a swim.”
Swimming has been my preferred form of therapy recently. There’s something about the soothing nature of a big body of water.
