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It supports your weight if you trust it enough.
It hides your tears no matter how hard you cry.
22
EMMA
“Wanna take a walk with me?”
Josh squints up at me, suspicious. Then his gaze veers to his sisters, who are both splashing around in the shallow end of the pool with Kirill. “Okay.”
I’ve spent the last three days since my kitchen spat with Ruslan obsessing over Josh. I’ve also spent the last three days observing him. He’s quiet—but he hasn’t always been like that. I try to think back to when that started.
Was it around the time his mother died? Or was it after that, when Ben started transforming from a man into a monster?
I’ve always known that Josh has taken on more responsibility than he could carry but I was never able to prevent it. He was always so staunch and determined. He was also my one ally in this. Which I can see now was a failing on my part. He was never meant to be my ally. He was only ever meant to be a child.
Bad guardian.
Bad mother.
Bad person.
I shake my head to clear the nagging thoughts. “Josh, can we talk?” I ask as we approach the bird bath at the far end of the gardens.
“Bird bath” is a little bit of an understatement. It’s more like a three-tiered marble fountain you could skip a rock across. The only “birds” big enough to use this properly died with the rest of the other dinosaurs.
“About what?”
“About your father.” He stops walking instantly. I have to double back a little. “Josh?”
“I don’t want to talk about him.”
“Sweetheart, I know it’s hard, but—”
“Ruslan told you, didn’t he?”
I nod, not wanting to lie to him. “He did and I’m glad he did. But I would have preferred hearing it from you.”
Josh looks away. “Did he tell you about the part where I used to go into your purse and steal your credit cards for Dad, sometimes?”
That fucking bastard.I make sure to keep my expression neutral. “No, he didn’t.”
Josh flushes. “I’m sorry, Aunt Em.”
I grab him and pull him against me. “Josh,I’mthe one who’s sorry. I should have realized what was happening. I should have prevented him from using you, from treating you like that.” I put my hands on his shoulders and push him back just enough so that I can see his face. “Did he really hit you?” It feels as though my heartbeat is in my throat.
“Sometimes,” Josh admits in a small voice.
I pull him back into my embrace. “God, I couldkillhim. I’m so sorry, Josh.”
“It’s not your fault.”
“Yes, it is. I should have left with you guys a long time ago. I think I just wanted to believe that Ben would get better. I wanted to believe that he would come out of it and things would go back to normal. Or as normal as they could be without your mom.”
Josh gives me an uncertain glance. “Was he different with Mom?”
“Very,” I admit. “A different man entirely.”
