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There was a lightness that came from knowing what I had to take accountability for and what I needed to release. A compassion that came from giving myself the grace to say even while others hurt me, as long as I was good to myself, I would be okay. So that had been my focus—being good to myself while not inadvertently being bad to others.
I’d returned to doing things I love—shopping, restaurant hopping, granting myself states of nothingness and rest. I’d also found ways to show myself love. After a conversation with Jeremiah, my perspective on love languages changed. It happened maybe a week ago during one of our date nights. We’d just gone for a carriage ride that led to us having a picnic on the beach. When we were done eating, we went to Sabbath’s tea bar to sip and talk. I’d asked him…
“What do you think is your love language?”
“Am I supposed to have just one?”
“No, but I think maybe a main one?”
“What would you say it is?”
“I think you want quality time and need words of affirmation.”
He massaged the hair on his chin, nodding as he considered my words. “Maybe. What about you?”
The pad of my pointer finger swirled around the top of my teacup. “I don’t know. I’m starting to think it depends on the person you’re with and season of your life. With Nova, it was quality time because we were so busy. With you, it’s kind of all of them.” I giggled, feeling greedy for his love. “You love me in so many ways, I can’t limit myself to just one.”
Jeremiah nodded his approval. “I’m glad you said that. I always felt like love languages were limiting. It became a trending topic and people ran with it. I feel like you set yourself up for disappointment, looking for love in only one way.”
There was also the possibility of a person using that to make you feel loved while they had impure intentions. I hated thinking about the worst in people these days, but after what I’d gone through, I no longer put anything past anyone.
“Hmm, now that you grant that perspective, that makes a lot of sense. I think it’s a great foundational tool to learn to love someone, and a way to be intentionally thoughtful and romantic, but you’re right, there are so many other ways to show love. I think the most important thing is to straight up ask your partner how they show love and how they feel it.”
Since that talk, I’d been actively using the five love languages to make myself feel loved, but when it came to others, I gave them what they wanted while also leaning toward becoming love based on 1 Corinthians 13. I wanted to be patient, kind, and lacking envy. I wanted to work on my pride and ego. Being more honorable and considerate of others. Compassionate toward myself. More emotionally intelligent and truthful, protective and hopeful. Consistent and unwavering.
The more I worked on my spirit and tried to be love, the more content and happier I became with myself. There was just the matter of WCSF.
“Hi.”
I didn’t have to look up to see who that voice belonged to. Even with it being low and shaky, I knew exactly who it was. Allegra Fisher. Up until now, both she and Nova had been keeping their distance. The only time I saw them was at meetings, and then, we only talked about business. Neither of them had reached out on a personal level, which I appreciated. Now that we had a small human resources staff and personal assistants for partners and lead associates, there really wasn’t a reason for Allegra to seek me out. I assumed, because she was, that it was something personal.
Shifting my gaze from my computer, I looked at Allegra as she stood at my opened doorway. She looked nice in a white, long-sleeved blouse and black slacks. Her hair had gotten a little longer, and she had it styled in wavy curls. I missed her face, her spirit, but I couldn’t say that. I wouldn’t say that. It was okay to miss someone without welcoming them back into your life. That was a lesson I was learning too.
No one should have had a permanent ticket to stick around unless they were treating me the way I wanted to be treated. I had no hate in my heart toward Nova and Allegra for the night they’d spent together, but I couldn’t lie and say I was in a place to see the physical reminder of what they’d done in the form of Ava—no matter how sweet and beautiful my baby girl was. I had to be self-aware enough to be honest about my limitations.
If I tried to be in their lives, I’d want to punish them. Maybe one day that would change. For now, I accepted what I was capable of and didn’t try to pressure myself in ways that would harm me or someone else.
“Hi.”
“Are you busy?” My eyes lowered to her twiddling her thumbs. She was nervous.
“Not really, what’s up?”
Allegra took a step into my office. “Is it… okay if I close the door?”
“Yeah, that’s fine.”
Her head bobbed as she closed the door and walked over to my desk. She waited until I gave her the invitation to be seated to do so.
“How’s Ava?”
I missed her too. Before the truth came out, I had a whole list of things I wanted to do with her this year. Pumpkin patches, sunflower photoshoots, spoiling her for Christmas. Now that chance was gone.
“She’s good. Healthy, bigger.”
“Is she adjusting to Nova well?”
“Yeah. He’s… surprisingly really good with her.” Allegra chuckled. “I judged him and didn’t believe he’d be a present, good father, but he is. He’s been great.”
