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“What?” Ryan asks.
The book is still open, still being read, as Avery asks, “We’re going to do this, aren’t we?”
There is nohowin this question. Nowhat,nowhy,nowhere,nowhen. This is what lies underneath all of those. The foundation from which all the other questions will be built.
Ryan takes Avery’s hand again, squeezes it. “Yes,” he says quietly. “I think we’re going to do this.”
Avery, who is always such lightness. Avery, who bringsthe music into the room. Avery, who Ryan thinks is so much better at this than he is—this same Avery balances precariously on the verge of tears.
“I’m sorry,” he says, wiping at his eyes. “I’m really sorry. It’s just that—we were joking about it, about flowers and debate and everything. But I need you to know this is not a joke to me. Not at all. It’s a really big deal, and I need to know it means a lot to you, too, because I haven’t done this before, not like this, and I think I need you to know that. You need to know that I have been thinking about it constantly, ever since you left my house, and it scares me to want something so much. I don’t think you have any idea how much I think about you, Ryan. I don’t think you have any idea how afraid I am, because I’ve been trying so hard to avoid showing it to you. But here it is, right in front of you, and I guess what I’m saying is that if we’re really going to be boyfriends, you need to know that I’m scared, and you also need to know I’m scared because I like you so much. You might not want a boyfriend like that. And if that’s the case, I’ll be sad and disappointed, but I’ll understand. I just think it’s fair to tell you all this. I have to. You have to see how bad I am at this, right?”
If before Avery looked like he was lost in reading Ryan, Ryan now looks like someone who has come to the part of the book he wasn’t expecting, and instead of being lost in it, he looks around the room at people who aren’t there, to say,Can you believe this is happening?
He wants to laugh, it’s so ridiculous.
“I’m even worse than you are!” he swears to Avery. “I promise! Everything you just said? Well, triple it. Quadruple it. That’s me. I have no idea what I’m doing, but at the same time I know I’m doing the right thing, being with you. Does that make sense? I hope it makes sense. Because you—you are the most sense I’ve felt in a long, long time. Maybe ever. I have no idea what it’s like to be a boyfriend. I have no idea what it’s like to have a boyfriend. But what I do know is that I want to learn what both of those things are like with you.”
Avery shakes his head, then says, “Get over here.” They kiss again, hold tight.
“What a pair we are,” Avery says into Ryan’s ear.
“I guess we deserve each other,” Ryan tells Avery’s neck.
Avery nestles in and kisses his cheek. “I guess we do.”
The phone vibrates again. Ryan texts Mr. Castor to say he’s on his way. Then he takes Avery’s hand, and they step out of the space they’ve made their own.
“Which way is the school?” Avery asks.
“That way, I think.”
“You think?” Avery moves for his phone. “Here, I’ll look it up.”
But Ryan stops him. “No,” he says. “We’ll find it.”
And so they set out, still holding hands.
—
The moment arrives.You aren’t simply walking through uncharted territory anymore. No, you realize it’s more than that.
You’ve started to build a home here.
And you’re not building it on your own.
Opening Night at the Drive-In
(the fourth date)
Queerness is, among other things, driving two hours to see a movie just because it features characters whose lives may loosely resemble yours.
For Ryan, the drive is actually closer to three hours. He’s picking up Avery for their fourth date, and then they’re heading to the closest college town, since college towns tend to be the county seats of queerness in America’s less-than-queer regions. The cab of his pickup has become a nest of blankets, since it’s not going to be an ordinary shared-popcorn, shared-armrest kind of movie night. No, tonight will be a drive-in affair, the one-night-only kickoff of a local film festival. A few weeks ago, Ryan might have come across the listing and stored it where all his other lost opportunities are kept. Sure, there are a few friends he could’ve dragged, had he been willing to owe them one, but he wouldn’t have felt comfortable asking. It wouldn’t have been like it was when he asked Avery: an enthusiastic response to ahopeful invitation, a knowledge that they are excited about the movie for similar, queer reasons. Having someone eager to see the movie with him is just as remarkable to Ryan as having the movie within driving distance tonight.
A fourth date might be early for love, but it’s right on time for gratitude.
How lucky and how dangerous, to be thankful to someone before he even gets into the truck.
—
