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I clear my throat. What do I have to lose? The boy with the beautiful eyes that has a girlfriend? If I tell him and he thinks different of me, then screw him.
“The gym teacher at my old school made a move on me.” It’s the first time I’ve said the words since I initially told my mom. The same old feeling creeps up on me, and it’s almost as if I’m back in those same moments, that same night when I told her. That same deafening, suffocating feeling crawls up my throat and expands, making it hard to breathe.
“I’m so sorry,” he says. “I know that changes absolutely nothing, but I am. I hope he’s rotting in jail. What a sick bastard.” Spence’s jaw tics. “That probably didn’t come out right. He’s sick because I assume he’s old enough to be your dad? I could be wrong, but I know he’s over eighteen, so that makes him a sicko for trying things on a minor. He isn’t a sick bastard for trying it on you.” He tosses his head back, and it makes me giggle despite everything. He’s uncomfortable.
“I know what you mean,” I tell him. “It’s okay.”
“None of that’s okay.” He shakes his head. “Did anything actually happen? Or did he just try it?”
I look out at the water with that question. We sit in silence for longer than I realize. So long that the sun starts to dip beneath the clouds, and the sky begins to fade into a sunset. Oranges roll over pinks roll over purples.
“Enough to haunt me.”
I snap out of the memory as nostalgia runs deep in my veins. Telling Spence about what happened to me in California—how not even my own dad believed me—is what bonded the two of us together when we were fourteen and I had just moved to Chicago. I knew him all of a few hours when I told him what happened. I think it was his eyes—how kind he looked. How he made me feel safe for the first time in a long time. He believed me. The event that totally uprooted my entire life, that caused my parents to get divorced and for my mom and I to move halfway across the country… I hadn’t desired to talk about it with anyone, and suddenly I was letting some beautiful boy with green eyes in on my darkest secrets.
Spence plops down on the couch, shaking me from my racing thoughts. “I’m sorry he’s coming back.”
When dinner ended tonight—rather abruptly thanks to the news about Kade—Spence asked if I wanted to have a nightcap and I agreed.
I sit on my teal-green leather sectional—an import I bought because I could, because I had the money and decided I’d spend it on myself for a change—and slink a blanket around my shoulders.
Spence shakes his head and links his fingers behind his head, relaxing into the leather. “I don’t even know what to say about it.”
Rolling my eyes, I sigh. “I don’t want to talk about Kade. Before the wedding, I hadn’t even thought about him since he walked into Iconic during our party. And even then, I barely thought of him.” It’s a complete and total lie. My brain has betrayed me with all the damn thoughts of Spence and Kade swirling around inside it. Even when Kade was in Minnesota and Spence was God knows where, I never went long without one of them crossing my mind. I’d drive past a football stadium or hear a song that both Spence and I loved.
I refused to talk to Kade when he showed up at our party last year. He had apparently come there for me—to tell me something. I didn’t give one single, solitary shit about what he had to say, so I told the guys to keep him away from me. I avoided him and threw myself into the night instead of giving into the temptation of having him there. Now, I know he was also in town to get a loan from his parents.
Not giving one single, solitary shit may be a bit dramatic—part of me was semi-intrigued. But I value my sanity far too much to be pulled back into his web or give him the time of day. When he gets back here, no matter how long he stays, my plan is to keep my distance. There’s no reason for me to be around him. What happened when I was eighteen doesn’t hurt me the way it used to, but I’d still rather not be reminded of it.
Kade and I were making plans to get engaged, to start a life together, and then one day he decided a career in IT was more important than our relationship. He moved to Minnesota not long after he got a job offer, leaving me in the city. I was messed up over him for a long time. I couldn’t understand how we could go from talking about marriage and children to not talking at all.
“Let’s forget about him coming back tonight,” I say, not wanting to overthink the situation.
Spence nods, a somber smile stretching across his face as his brows draw together. “I missed you, Dec.” He’s only a few feet away from me, and he pats the spot next to him, beckoning me to cuddle. These weird fucking signals he’d always given me are why lines get crossed in male-female relationships. Bordeaux, Flynn, and Miller don’t expect me to cuddle with them on a couch, not ever. But this is us. And as much as I could try to deny it, I’ve missed this.
“I’ve missed you too,” I tell him honestly, staying in my spot, refusing to move closer to him. I don’t want things to be like before, no matter how much I miss it. It isn’t good for me, and it sure as shit isn’t good for my heart.
The only thing I can think about doing is kissing him. My eyes drift down to his lips as he talks about something—who knows what, I’m not listening—and I don’t think I’ve ever wanted to kiss anyone the way I want to kiss him. Then the guilt hits me, sending my mind spinning in circles. Even if I had never dated Kade, I shouldn’t be thinking like this—it’s dangerous territory. I can’t deny all the times I used to stay awake at night wondering if I had made the right choice to date Kade when I knew I was hopelessly in love with his brother. And even years later, I’m still thinking about Spence and I being something more.
“Dec?” My name from his lips shakes me from my thoughts.
I roll my head from side to side before inhaling a deep breath. “Sorry. I’m so tired all of a sudden,” I tell him, which is the complete opposite of the truth. I just didn’t expect all these feelings to rush back this fast.
Then again, I didn’t expect to ever see Spence again. Before the job offer, I just assumed he would just keep up his road life thing. I never imagined being in the same room as him again. Even after agreeing to hire him as the photographer and videographer for our new record label, it still didn’t hit me until I saw him standing in the office. It was easier when I didn’t have to face him.
I tried my hardest to not let myself think about Spence at all. Because in the back of my mind, I still wonder if I would have actually been able to go through with marrying Kade. Feeling the way I felt about Spence, despite being with Kade… it wouldn’t have been fair to anyone.
“I was asking how your mom is. I totally want to stop and see her. Is she still in the place on Quarry Avenue?” Spence asks, his face lighting up. He and my mom always got along really well. She knew Spence would always take care of me, so she loved not having to worry. She was relieved to know we were only best friends because, in her mind, that meant she didn’t have to worry about me being on 16 and Pregnant—one of her guilty pleasure television shows.
Spence asking about my mom makes my stomach churn. I avoid this topic like the plague. The guys ask, and often, how Mom is doing. I brush off their questions most of the time, acting like it’s no big thing, but in reality… it’s suffocating.
I know I can’t beat around the bush with Spence. If he’s going to be back in my life—if we’re going to be friends—he’s going to find out sooner or later.
“Well, actually, no. We sold the house on Quarry,” I tell him with a small smile, trying to calm my nerves. “She’s actually living in an assisted living community.”
Spence’s gaze narrows as he slowly shakes his head. “Bonnie’s only what, in her mid-forties? Why the hell is she in an assisted living community?” Spence cocks his head to the side and searches my eyes for answers.
I let out a breath before continuing. “A few years ago, it must have been maybe a year after you left, she was diagnosed with early-onset Alzheimer’s disease.” I place my hands in my lap, trying to figure out what the fuck to do with them. Anytime I talk about my mom, this is what happens. I just don’t know what to do or how to be.
