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“Ryder,” I choke out. “You’re not being fair.”
“I’m jealous,” he clips out. “I’m just fucking jealous.”
My heart warms at his admission. Scooting closer, I press a tentative kiss on his mouth. “You and me. We can do it too. Right now. It only takes a few minutes.”
“Sex only lasts a few minutes?” He grunts in irritation. “Wild says he goes for hours. Maybe you did it wrong.”
I scoff at him. “Really? You’re going to be an asshole? I didn’t do it wrong. His dick was hard and he came. It was messy.”
His eyes close and he lets out a sharp breath. “I’m sorry. I’m just stressed and feeling a little left out, is all.”
“Left out? Ryder, I’m here, naked and begging for you to have sex with me. That’s not exclusion, that’s an invitation.”
A small smile quirks his lips and then he kisses me—hot and dirty. His roaming hand once again finds my ass, squeezing it. I’m pretty sure he’s going to give in until we hear Wild laugh.
Voices just outside our tent have both of us freezing. All sexual energy evaporates and I’m met with another scowl.
“Rae, we can’t do this shit.”
Thisshit?
My heart feels as though he’s whipped it with a belt. I even flinch as though I’ve been struck.
“Thisshitis love, dumbass.”
“I can’t love you like that,” he says in a pained voice. “I want to. So fucking badly, but I can’t.”
“Clearly, I don’t understand. You just had your finger inside me.”
Our voices are growing in volume. Ryder’s eyes widen with panic. He covers my mouth with his palm. The leftover scent of my arousal on his finger is strong.
“If Dad were to find out,” he hisses, “he’d kill me. Dad would kill me, Rae. Is that what you want?”
I grab hold of his wrist, pulling his hand away to frown at him.
“He won’t kill you,” I say, though my words feel hollow with uncertainty. “Dad loves you. He loves all of us.”
“No.” His features harden. “I can’t.Wecan’t.”
I bite down on my bottom lip to keep it from wobbling. “I hate you.”
My words strike him and his features crumple. I immediately feel like a monster for saying them. But, with tears in my eyes and emotion clogging my throat, I don’t have the ability to retract them.
He leans forward, rubbing his nose against mine. “Please don’t hate me, Rae. I fucking need you.”
Sorrow cuts through my soul, dissecting me with brutal precision. How can he love and need me so much but can’t give me this?
Dad wouldn’t kill him.
Would he?
Ryder’s eyes dart back and forth, pleading with me to understand. He’s breaking apart and I’m the one holding the hammer. Guilt threatens to swallow me whole.
“I don’t hate you,” I croak out, leaning closer to kiss his mouth. “I just don’t understand why we can’t have sex. It can be our secret. I won’t tell anyone. I swear.”
His large hand cradles my cheek and he rubs his thumb along my cheekbone like I’m precious. Fat tears well and then spill at his tenderness.
“I love you so fucking much it hurts. I would give anything to be with you like that…”
