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Because of his usual odd manner accompanied by his stutter, the consensus was clear. Raf was the creep.
Suddenly, all the giggles and furtive glances made sense.
They were laughing at him.
Everyonewas laughing at him.
The narrative was already set. He had behavioral issues so he could never get a girl, and that was the root of his frustration. The videos only showed his increased thirst for validation and the fact that he was a freak.
"Man, you shouldn't have gone that far," Steve continued. "Stacy told me you tried to pull some moves on her, too," he shook his head in disappointment. "Word of advice, learn how to read the room and when a girl's not into you," he said before he left a flabbergasted Raf standing alone in the center of the campus.
Andeveryonewas laughing.
He felt ill.
He barely held it together as he hurried to his room, away from all the derisive laughter that followed him around.
Opening the door to his room, he locked himself inside, his breathing out of control, his heart pounding in his chest. He felt…disgusted with himself.
Absolutely appalled that he'd let himself fall that low and for what? For a little attention? Without the alcohol fogging his mind he could see that everyone was entertaining him, not out of some kindness or some absurd interest, but merely so they could make fun of him.
A bitter laugh escaped him. Curiouscat had been right. He'd been their clown.
Ripping at his clothes, he threw them around as he stumbled into the shower, the water pouring down on him just as he broke down, his emotions reaching the surface and making him fall to his knees with the intensity of his frustration. His arms on the cold tiles of the wall, he let the water wash over him, tears trickling down his cheeks as he let out a low howl.
In that moment, he hated everything.
He hated his life, and he hated his past.
But more than anything, he detested his own damn self. Because it was all his fault. No one had forced him to do anything.
From the very beginning, he'd done things out of his misguided sense of justice—one that always backfired on him.
He'd always held on to his ideals, thinking himself above everything because he could use cold logic in his judgment, reaching a conclusion objectively, rather than being ruled by emotion. After all, he'd been reared that way. To prioritize facts over emotions.
Yet deep down, he'd never been able to separate the two. Not when he'd had to make the biggest decision in his life and, clearly, he'd made the wrong one.
He'd hurt the one person in his life who'd trusted him unconditionally. Andthat…That still ate him up on the inside, the guilt threatening to drown him worse than the water pouring down on him, or his tears that made his eyes sting, or his screams that made his throat ache.Nothingcould hurt him more than he'd hurt himself.
He could still remember his childhood, the time when everything had been perfect—or, retrospectively, as perfect as could be. When Gianna had still been with them. When Michele had regarded Raf as his protector—as his true brother.
It had been the most beautiful period of his life. Raf doubted he'd ever know happiness as he'd known then.
The memories of Michele drawing him personalized characters, or Gianna hugging him and telling him she was proud of him hurt just as they made him happy. They hurt so fucking bad and made the anguish he felt even more intolerable.
And who was to blame for everything he'd lost?
Him. Just…him.
"Why? Why, why, why?" he screamed as he threw his fists against the wall, hurting no one but himself. Yet he needed that—hedeservedit.
He was on the brink, and he knew it. Though he was living daily with regret, guilt and disappointment, over the years he'd found a modicum of balance by putting it aside. After all, that was his coping mechanism. Locking stuff away and dealing with bits at a time, making sure he wasn't wholly overwhelmed.
Yet the disadvantage was that there were times like this, when everything just came crashing down. When just a little push made everything tumble down on him, unleashing a river of anguish so strong, he didn't know how to put himself together again.
He had to give it to Steve and everyone else mocking him.
Rafwasa loser. He was a loser of his own making, and wasn't that the worst?
