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It didn't matter how smart, how capable, or how responsible he was?
Somewhere along the way, he'd lost the notion that he was anything but a loser. He'd lost sight of everything in his life as he'd focused only on the bad.
The incident on campus only served to emphasize the state of affairs and the fact that even something as innocuous as him going to a party could end up so disastrously.
Yet the worst wasn't that people were mocking him, or that he'd become the laughingstock of the university. The worst was that Raf believed he deserved it.
He thought he deserved every little bad thing that happened to him. No matter how much he hoped for a normal life, or how he wished he could stop pretending, finally find histrueself, he didn't dare try it.
He didn't deserve anything good in his life.
For that, he only had to look at his brother and the way he was actively trying to self-destruct—all a direct consequence of Raf's decisions.
He saw Michele and he knew he deserved absolutely everything that came his way.
Time passed. He found it harder and harder to get himself together. Even as cold water washed over him, he couldn't move from the spot.
His movements were sluggish, his entire body echoing the sentiments in his heart.
When he managed to get himself out of the bathroom, he pulled a robe tightly around his body, absorbing his heat and trying to calm the clattering of his teeth.
Yet did he deserve anything else but discomfort?
At first, he laid down on his bed, thinking to sleep everything off. But after twisting and turning, his mind too alert for that, he finally relented and opened his computer.
His intention wasn't to talk with anyone, though deep down that was his deepest desire. Instead, he pretended he was only checking his notifications and making sure he wasn't missing any work opportunities in the upcoming week.
No one forced him to log into his game, and definitely no one made him press on the messages icon, seeing all the missed chats.
All from curiouscat.
He blinked, a little taken aback as he scrolled through tens of messages asking if he was alright. Curiouscat actually worried about him because he hadn't been online in a few days. She…
He didn't know why that hit him so hard. Up until then he'd assumed if he disappeared off the face of the earth no one would mourn him aside from his mother. Maybe no one else would notice either because there was no one to care.
Yet it was startling to realize someone was actually checking in on him. His absence affected someone.
He was still staring at the screen when the call came, his fingers absentmindedly clicking to accept it. Yet it wasn't just that, because he also reached for his headset, putting it on.
No, he wanted this—craved this.
He wanted to know he mattered for someone. Heneededto know that. Why, he didn't know. He had his mother, and that was more than a lot of people could say for themselves. Michele certainly had never had that…
He shook himself. He couldn't go down that road again.
"Blue? You're there?" a tentative voice asked.
"I'm here," he answered. No teasing. No jokes. Just a calm affirmation.
"Thank God," she breathed out in relief.
It struck him that for the first time her digitized voice didn't screw with his brain as much, it didn't sound so painful, or so contrived. It sounded…familiar.
And God knew he needed familiar at that point.
"You're okay? You haven't been online in a few days, and you missed the usual time yesterday…" she droned on, but he just smiled.
"I'm ok. Had a little mishap along the way but I'm ok," he chuckled, tears at the corner of his eyes.
