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He takes it from me, depositing it safely next to the other one.
Still, he has a hard time saying whatever is on his mind, so I reach out to him, placing a comforting hand on his shoulder.
"I know I shouldn't feel this way," he starts, and the words make me worry right away. "I know it's not normal. But it always reminds me of what you went through. That…" he trails off, swallowing hard.
"That?" I ask, meeting his gaze and recognizing the torment reflected there.
"That someone abused you. That someone violated you and that…" he pauses, his mouth a thin, tight line. "That you gave birth in inhumane conditions and that you suffered what no one,no oneshould ever have," he declares with so much intensity, my own heart squeezes in my chest.
"Raf," I move closer to him.
"You must think me insensitive," he continues, "perhaps mad. Here you are, in pain and with so many scars of the past and all I can think about is someone else touching you. Someone else…" he averts his eyes, his fists clenched, his breathing labored.
My mouth hangs open as I register his words for the first time. Yet I can't say anything. I can't tell him what happened, and why I am the way I am. Not now, maybe never.
So I do the only thing I can.
I throw my arms around his broad shoulders, resting my head on his chest as I listen to the beats of his heart.
"You're not mad, or insensitive. Not when I'm the same," I admit bitterly. "I think of everything that happened with Armand and…"
"With Armand it was different," he adds quietly. "I was out of it most of the time, so I only have a few memories of him actually raping me. But he only…" he leans back, his eyes searching mine. "I've never told this to anyone before," he whispers in such a sad tone, I feel like ripping the world apart for what they did to him. Certainly, his brother is first on that list.
"You can tell me anything. You know I wouldn't judge you, or look at you differently."
A tight smile appears on his face as he takes my hands off him, cradling them in his own as he slowly caresses my flesh.
"Armand was married before. To a woman."
I blink in confusion at that one piece of news.
"He wasn't gay. On the contrary, he despised the fact that I was a man and he did everything in his power to forget that, including having me dressed in certain ways," his voice thickens with the intensity of his emotions. "He thought I looked like his dead wife, so…"
"So he used you as her replacement," I fill in the blanks.
Raf nods, a light film covering his eyes. Why did I ever think he moved on from that part of his life? Because the man in front of me, the man finally opening up…he's also opening up a world of hurt in sharing his secrets with me.
And that hurts even more—knowing that he's been burying this deep inside while putting on a happy face.
"Blue, my darling Blue," I whisper.
"But because I do remember some of those moments, I would never want you to experience it. In that respect, I truly wish your memory never came back. I don't want you to suffer even more."
I shake my head at him.
"As long as you're here with me, nothing can break me Raf. That's the truth, theonlytruth."
"I'll always be with you, pretty girl," he assures me as he takes me in his arms, holding me tight and swaying lightly with me.
"Do you ever wonder how we would have ended up had we met back then? Had we gone on that date?"
"All the time," he smiles against my cheek. "But it wasn't our time. Who knows, I may have messed up everything with my low self-esteem and my poor mental health back then. I wasn't a man worthy of you, Noelle. I don't know if I am one now, but one promise I'll always give to you is that I'll do my best tobethe man you deserve. To be someone worthy of you. I'll work on that every day for the rest of our lives so you never doubt our relationship, our love, or my commitment to you."
"Sometimes you say the sweetest things, Raf," I smile though melancholy tugs at my heart.
"These aren't empty words. I am happy ifyouare happy. I know that sounds completely antithetical to someone who's always lived for others. But trust me when I say this, living for you,withyou, is living for myself for the first time in my life."
Tears prick at my eyes as I burrow deeper in his embrace, so touched by his promises and his words, but also incredibly afraid for what the future holds for us.
