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"Flashes?" she frowns.
"I think they were memories. From before," I swallow. "When I was on drugs."
Her eyes widen and her hand stills on my back.
"And?"
I purse my lips, not knowing how to tell her this. She already knows some of the details from my time with Armand. She knows how he treated me, that he kept me as a replacement for his wife for my supposed resemblance to her. But what she doesn't know—whatIdidn't know until now—is that Armand might not have been the only one to rape me. Might not have been the only one to…
"Someone else might have…raped me," I tell her before I lose all courage. Before the mere thought of it makes me want to fucking mutilate myself on the spot and remove all traces of that encounter.
"What?" Her eyes flare in shock, her mouth hanging open as she regards me. "What do you mean, Raf?" She asks me in a pained tone.
"It was a woman. She…" I choke on the words, but I tell her. I give her a brief account of what I saw and what I think happened.
"It felt so real," I whisper when I'm done. "I…"
"Oh my God, Raf!" She wraps her arms around my neck, holding on to me. "My Blue. My darling Blue," she murmurs in my ear, slowly laying soft kisses all over my face. "I'm so sorry."
"Don't," I shake my head. "Maybe it's not even real…" I add weakly, though Iknowit must be real. "Maybe…"
"Maybe," she quickly nods. "Maybe it's just a nightmare?" she offers kindly, wrapping herself around me to offer me her comfort—her heat. "It has to be a nightmare," she whispers.
I'm fucking embarrassed of myself, but at this moment, her presence is the only thing I need.
"I hope so, pretty girl. I truly hope so."
After what feels like an eternity, we resume eating and I do my best to put on a face of normality.
Though Noelle is nothing but understanding, there's a part of me that doesn't want her to see me like this, almost tumbling down the black hole that is my psyche. So I do what I always do best.
I pretend.
A few days later, and for all my efforts to move on and relegate everything to a nightmare—maybe one based onsometruth, but a nightmare nonetheless—I can't seem to do it.
The images flash in my mind at the most inopportune times. Sometimes even when I'm intimate with Noelle. It takes just a second for me to be jolted back to that flash and feel someone else touching me.
Though I've done my best to put on a blasé front, I know Noelle can sense something is wrong. Yet after the initial time we talked about it I'm wary to approach the subject again. More than anything because I don't want to speak of it again and, God forbid, get more flashes or images of that day.
And as time continues to pass, I have to admit to myself that it feels less and less like a hallucination and more like an actual memory.
Someone had done that to me…
"Will you be back for lunch?" Noelle asks as she buttons up my shirts, a serene look on her face.
"I'll try to," I bring one hand to my lips for a kiss. "I'll let you know if I'm late, but I'll do my best to be back by noon."
"Good. I have a new recipe and I can't wait for you to try it," she adds, mischief sparkling in her eyes.
Since we've moved in our own place, Noelle has taken to cooking daily, enjoying the process of coming up with new recipes. I'd offered to help or evenhirehelp, but she'd had none of that, declaring that the kitchen is her space. Not one to argue with that, I'd let her have her fun, happy she found a new hobby.
"I'll see you soon," I whisper as I kiss her lips before going out the door.
She thinks I'm going to see Carlos, and while that is in part true since I will be swinging by his place later, I need to see my sister first. Not in any family capacity, but a professional one.
I need to hear her opinion about what's been happening to me or I won't be able to live like this anymore—when every little touch has the potential to be torturous because I know what was taken from me. I need Gianna to help me make sense of the mess that is my fucking mind.
Getting in my car, I plug in the coordinates for Gianna's office and start the engine.
