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He brings his lips to my forehead, slowly skimming soft kisses all over my skin.
"To think I was about to lose you… That one wrong choice and you would be gone…"
That's when I finally realize why he'd been so aloof. He's been suffering all along, hasn't he? He's been beating himself over everything.
"But you saved me," I try to assure him.
"Barely. I sensed what Michele was about. But it was all a matter of chance. I can't say there was anything more to it than a gamble. And it's something Ineverwant to do again. Fuck… You have no idea what those few minutes after I administered the syringe did to me. I thought I was seeing my life flash before my eyes because I don't think I could ever do this without you. Not again. Not ever."
"Raf…" I trace his features, looking into his eyes and seeing the same type of emotion reflected back.
He understands.
He knows exactly how I feel and the fact that there's no life without him.
"Where you go I go, pretty girl. This time forever. I don't care what people think. I don't fucking care if they judge or blame us. But I can only be here becauseyouare here. You get me?"
I nod, a tightness in my chest that's about to explode.
"It's you and me, baby," he tucks a strand of hair behind my ear. "It's you and me against the world."
"Or not at all," I add, a blush going up my cheeks at the implication. At the fact that I'd taken it upon myself to decide his fate should henotchoose me.
It's selfish.
It's insane.
But it's the only thing that makes sense to me—that will always make sense to me.
"I don't begrudge the deal you made with my brother. I know you're worried about that," he assures me when he sees me biting my lip in worry, almost as if he could read my mind. "How can I judge you for something I would have done, too? Fuck, Noelle. I know it's not normal. It's anything but normal, but I would have done the same. It's you and me or nothing."
"You'd kill me if there was another man?" I ask softly, pleasure spreading to my core.
"Before I killed myself," he nods severely.
I can tell he has a hard time coming to grips with this side of himself—with how out of control we are. With how we're beyond normal together.
"You're really not mad at me about that, are you?" I repeat in awe.
I know myself. Now, more than ever, I know myself.
For so long, I've had just one purpose—him.
Death isn't an idea that scares me. Not anymore. The only thing that absolutely terrifies me is living in a world without him. So I know whatIwould do.
But to hear that he's the same? That he's pondered the same difficult issues and had come to the same conclusion?
"How could I be mad at you when what I feel for you defies logic? I tried to temper myself. Cool down my feelings for you so I didn't overwhelm you. But that was a mistake, wasn't it?" he smiles, almost sadly. "All along you've been ready for me—for everything I want to give you and take in return."
Before I realize what he's about, his hands are on my waist as he pulls me on top of him. He touches me reverently, all the while staring at me with love, desire and something else. Something that couldn't be captured in just one word.
Somethingspecial.
"We defied death. Together," I tell him, closing my eyes as my legs come to rest on either side of him, my center against that hard part of him.
"All along you've been my light," he smiles when he sees I don't react negatively to the word. "Mi luz. My eternal love," he continues, moving his hands up my body. "Whether I knew it or not, it's always been you."
FIVE
