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I heave a sigh. “I don’t think he’d lie to me. I mean, honestly, he doesn’t have a reason to. He could date any woman in the city. He could date women who are ten times prettier than me—”
“I will smack you upside the head.” Ruby glares at me. “Don’t you dare put yourself down like that. Are you actually sitting here saying that you’re lucky that the big famous hockey god would even glance in your direction?”
I manage a rueful laugh. “No. You’re right. I’m smart, I’m successful, I have an amazing dog, I’m sexy AF, I’m funny, I’m stylish, I’m a good friend ... it’s just that sometimes it does get kind of intimidating that supermodels take one look at Mason and their clothes fly off due to a mysterious magnetic force.”
“Yes, but he’s not hanging out with them. He chooses to spend his time with you, because you’re both pretty, smart, successful, and not a pushover.”
“Thank you. But that brings me to my dilemma. I can’t keep dating him, Ruby, and we also haven’t even really put a name on what we’re doing ...” I trail off. “Ugh. I know what advice I’d give you. I’d say, don’t let a guy pull the ‘friends with benefits’ thing if that’s not what you want. Demand honesty. Ask him where he sees this going, and if he tries to weasel out of it, that’s your answer right there.”
Ruby nods. “That is exactly what you would, and in fact have, told me.”
“It’s more complicated than that. This job, this promotion, is everything to me, and I’m risking it for hot S-E-X.”
“S-E-X?” Ruby echoes. “What even is that?” She looks at me with big wondering eyes. “Is it when a mommy and a daddy love each other very, very much ...”
I elbow her. She almost drops her ice cream, and glares at me, then shoves a big spoonful in her mouth.
“Excuse me for trying to protect my baby sister from the ugly realities of life. I still remember helping to change your diapers. I’m just trying to keep you innocent for a little while longer.”
“That ship has sailed.” Ruby grabs another spoonful of ice cream.
I blink several times, trying to erase the unwanted images that come with her confession. “Anyway, back to me. Tonight is my turn to have a meltdown. I got in a fight with Mason in front of Cecelia, pretty much, and he dragged me off so we could talk about it alone, and remember how I promised Mom that I’d go back and finish college and I wouldn’t derail my life and sacrifice my dreams for a relationship?” Emotion rolls over me as memories swim to the surface. Her, pale, wearing a turban, most of her hair gone, the port in her chest. Me holding her hand as she husked her regrets, and her hopes and dreams for me.
Ruby winces.
“What?” I ask.
“Sometimes when she said that, it made me feel like we’d ruined her life.”
My eyes widen in dismay. “No. That’s not what she meant.”
My sister lifts one shoulder in a shrug. “Wasn’t it, though? What was the reason that she never went back to work? Because at first after she had you, she didn’t feel safe having you raised by a babysitter, and also it didn’t even make economic sense because newspaper jobs didn’t pay enough to actually make a profit after paying for child care, so she just supported dad’s job and waited for you to start school. And then I was born, and she had to start the process all over again.”
I blink hard. I had no idea Ruby saw it that way. “Didn’t you feel loved?” I ask her.
“I did.” She nods. “She was a great mother, and she adored our father, and they had a relationship that was an inspiration. They respected each other, they treated each other like gold. But I also felt her frustration and the fact that she wasn’t entirely living the life she wanted.”
“I mean, nobody gets everything. I never felt like she blamed it on us, and I’m sorry if she made you feel that way.”
“We’re different people and because of that, we interpret things differently. The point I’m trying to make is that I do not have all the relationship answers. Nobody does. I mean, seriously, look at me.”
“We should talk about that,” I say, earning a glower from Ruby.
“No, I don’t want to talk about it. It’s over, I’m fine. Ican’ttalk about it.” Her expression goes dark.
“Can’t or won’t?” My big-sister worry-dar is bleeping. There’s just something about this relationship that feels really sketch, and I don’t think that everything’s really resolved.
She frowns at me. “Both. Don’t feel like it. Anyway, moving on. People are always trying to make women feel guilty, feel like they’re not doing enough, wouldn’t you agree?”
I nod, spooning more ice cream into my mouth. I wonder where this is going. She’ll tell me to run for the hills, no doubt. Put on my chastity belt and put my nose to the grindstone. Love is for losers, make something of myself, blah blah blah. All the things that I’ve been beating myself up with.
“Some people try to make women feel like their only choice is being passionately dedicated to a full-time career, and if they leave any room open for a relationship and kids, they’re needy, they’re desperate, they’re losers. Well, I call bullshit. It’s just another way of stripping away choice from women.” Her voice rises. She waves her ice cream spoon for emphasis. A blob of chocolate falls onto her comforter, and she doesn’t even notice. “What kind of corporate capitalist crap are we buying into if the only thing in life that’s important is our job? If our jobs always need to come first at the expense of personal connection?”
I rear back on the bed and look at her to make sure that my little sister hasn’t been replaced by a proto-feminist pod person. “Whoa. I did not expect that.”
“It’s true, though. There are some women who sneer and look down at stay-at-home wives and mothers. If those wives and mothers are choosing that, and happy with it most of the time, who is anyone else to say their choice isn’t valid? And the same is equally true for women who choose a full-time career that they love. And for women who decide to do something in between. But the point is, we should be supporting each other’s life choices, not tearing each other down, and nobody should be shamed for wanting a healthy romantic relationship.”
Tears burn in my eyes. When did my little sister grow up and get to be the smart one?
