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“We want you to love us. If you can. If you can’t, well, that’s fine too.”
My head spins and the pretty books on the library walls melt together in a jumble of leather bindings and gold lettering. Please just let me pass out. The guys will put me to bed and this excruciating conversation will be forgotten.
But I don’t pass out, dammit, and therefore I must respond. After all, it’s the right thing to do even if I am being a chicken shit. The risk Vadik took in telling me this warrants that much respect.
“I… am honored. So honored,” I whisper. “I want to tell you the same, I do. But right now, I can’t. I care about you, all of you,” I say, finally meeting their gazes. “I know that much.”
They nod, their faces covered in understanding, which makes me hate myself more. Why can’t they get angry with me? Lash out? It would make things so much easier.
That’s when Niko joins us, and I’d give my life to make the pain in his eyes go away. He doesn’t deserve the hurt he’s wearing right now, all caused by me.
“I need time,” I finally say.
It’s not much, but those three words sum things up.
I know they’re mystified, that I can have sex without abandon, yet when it comes time for emotional intimacy, I’m completely checked out. There was a time in my life when, on the receiving end of the same, I would be puzzled too. Now that I’m on the other side, I get it. If you’re not ready, you’re not ready.
Can’t force a round peg in a square hole and all that.
I want to go to Niko. But that’s not going to happen.
So I run.
* * *
It hurts, everything hurts, my limbs, my head, even my organs, and something causes the skin on my stomach to burn. It’s strange, as if a pattern is being etched, but I can’t lift my head to take a look, and in fact can’t move at all, not one bit.
“Owwwww,” I moan.
The pain ceases, then intensifies, then ceases again and I don’t understand how this can be. This is not how things work, this is not how anything works, and I’m confused and just want to be left alone so I can go back to sleep.
“Charleigh,” a voice calls, a voice that’s not in the room where they’re hurting me. “Charleigh,” it repeats.
I force my eyes open and find Niko standing over me, not touching me, but gently trying to prod me out of my nightmare so as not to scare me too much.
“Wh… what?” I mumble.
“You were thrashing and moaning. I came to check on you,” he says.
I push up on my elbows and realize I’m in my room in the big house, and no one is hurting me anymore.
I take a deep breath. The nightmares are getting old. Really old. “Thank you, Niko. I appreciate it.”
He settles into the easy chair next to my bed, and I reach for his hand, scary as it is. It’s so strange that I’d rather have full on sex than touch this man’s fingers with my own, but I need comfort right now, and God knows Niko deserves some too.
I’ve been awful. And I feel so badly.
“Why don’t you get up? We’ll get out of the house,” he suggests. “Go to the club.”
Yeah. That works. A change in scenery might help.
Forty-five minutes later I’m cleaned up, having blown out my hair, put on makeup, and dressed in some of the nice clothes the guys filled my closet with. If I can’t pretend to be back to normal, at least I can look like it on the outside.
But when we reach the top floor and exit the club’s elevator, any attempt at normalcy on my part flies right out the window. I begin to shake and sweat because none other than thePakhan’s second is at the end of the hallway, turning into Vadik’s office.
And I don’t have my knife.
“Wh… what’s he doing here?” I ask, grabbing Niko’s sleeve.
