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She pushed her hair back, turning her face up to the water. How could Matt be so tender and giving, be the man she wanted so much who kept saying he wanted to be a family, and still shut her out?
Wanting wasn’t loving, was it? She was the one who’d fallen in love, not Matt. He hadn’t promised her that. But he confused her. If they’d never succumbed to their chemistry, things would be clearer. That had been impossible, though. From the moment she’d seen him, she’d wanted to be back in his arms. Except he just wanted to do the right thing for his child.
Hannah cursed herself. Maybe she was so blinded by her feelings that she didn’t see this for what it was. But, even if that was true, the way he touched her made her feel treasured. The way the Matt from his holiday had done. Those touches had made her consider a life with him. How long would that life be? He wanted to be a family for their child but children grew up. So would this be their life for eighteen years? Twenty?
Hannah curled her arms around her belly. She agreed to two months and that time was almost up. Her due date was just around the corner. She had coloured three weeks before and a week after her due date in red on the calendar. The red zone. She was well into that now which meant their trial period was ending and a decision had to be made.
Matt was doing everything right for their child. There was no denying that. From accompanying her to every doctor’s appointment, renovating the house, buying the car and baby-proofing the apartment and the other house. It was amazing. There was already an assembled cot, drawers full of clothes sized from new-born to six months. She couldn’t forget the feeling of seeing the car seat for the first time. Two months out and it had already been in place just in case.
He was a provider all right. Seeing Matt in ‘caring dad’ mode was one of the most incredible things to witness. It made her love him more, which was why she was hurting now. He was a loving family man. There was no doubt about that. The weekend at Sarah’s home had more than adequately proven that. Having heard what their childhood had been like, it was completely understandable why Matt had been reluctant to have his own children, but he was thriving in this role.
At least, she’d thought he was. Herein lay the problem. Yes, he was making the right gestures for the family, but would she ever know what he was truly feeling? When he was overwhelmed, nervous or hurting? She wanted to be there for him so desperately. Unfortunately, that wasn’t something she could force. He had to want it, want her that way.
At the moment, he only wanted their chemistry. It felt as though they were some weird combination of friends with benefits, who were also having a baby and starting a family that needed to be stable and perfect. Definitely not normal and far from enough.
At least for her.
Hannah shut off the taps. Wallowing in this steamy bathroom was accomplishing nothing. She didn’t hide. Didn’t shy away from a challenge. There was no way in hell she would start now.
She stepped out of the shower cubicle, wrapping a towel around herself and towelling her hair dry with another. She was determined now. She needed answers from Matt. Information was the only logical way to make a decision. Finding a way forward was dependent on honesty. Whatever that way would be, Hannah was certain she would be able to do it.
CHAPTER TWENTY-TWO
HANNAH DRESSED QUICKLY, giving little thought to what she wore or how she looked. None of that was important now. Her hands were trembling as she ran a brush through her damp hair.
Was she afraid of the answers Matt would give her? Of course she was. But she was done living in limbo. Done fooling herself that she could believe they were a family.
‘You can do this,’ she said fiercely to her reflection in the bathroom mirror.
Taking a deep breath, she slipped on her sandals, straightened her aching back and went in search of Matt.
She found him in the lounge, instead of his office as she would have expected. It was the first place he went when he wanted to enforce the distance between them. Hannah watched him for a moment. His damp golden hair stuck up at odd angles as if he had rubbed a towel through it and subsequently forgotten its existence. A deep groove sat between his brows, glasses on his nose.
Her heart gave a lurch but it was time. She couldn’t put this off any longer no matter how much she wished he would look up from the laptop on his legs, set it aside and say he was wrong to shut her out.
Wishes were ridiculous. They provided neither knowledge nor comfort. All they did was make her pine for the impossible.
‘Matt?’ she called as she entered the room.
He looked up at her and somehow his frown grew deeper.
‘We need to talk.’
He closed the laptop, placing it on the table, and patted the cushion next to him but Hannah shook her head. Proximity to Matt was dangerous. She needed a clear head and the moment she smelled that cool scent on him her thoughts became foggy. She would remain standing.
‘Hannah...’ he started, but she held up her hand and he stopped. She didn’t want another apology or an excuse.
‘Before we say anything, I want you to promise you will be honest with me now.’
His face softened. ‘I always am.’
That wasn’t technically true, but she wasn’t getting into that just yet. She was about to take his words as agreement, then she thought better of it. ‘Promise me.’
‘I promise.’
She nodded, looking out of the window at the morning sunlight. It was still morning. With everything that had happened, it was hard to believe so little time had passed since she’d been in Matt’s bed, with him making love to her.
No! Focus! she scolded herself.
