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‘When you proposed marriage, I thought you were crazy. I thought a trial period would work better. A relationship alpha-test, if you will. Our two months are almost up.’ Hannah kept her voice even, held all emotion back. She didn’t want Matt to comfort her or feel as if he needed to shield her from his thoughts, as she knew he would if she showed the slightest hint of being upset. He always picked up on what she needed. Well, now she was going to use his own tricks against him. Everything she felt was being shut away.
‘I know,’ he said carefully, eyes searching her face. But Hannah knew he would see nothing there. ‘I think we could be a great family.’
Wasn’t that the truth? They could be.
‘The house is almost done. We could move in by the weekend.’
The vision Hannah had seen when they’d visited the house in Belgravia flashed before her eyes. Matt and her son playing, strolling through the park. Family picnics. But after? Matt in his office. Hannah in her own bedroom after a day of work. Being with Matt only with their son in tow or when they had sex.
It wasn’t enough.
‘That’s soon,’ she said.
‘It is.’
‘But that won’t help me make this decision,’ Hannah stated plainly.
Matt’s face fell before he schooled it into something emotionless. ‘What are you saying? Are you considering us not being a family? I told you—I won’t lose my son.’
‘We will always be a family whether we’re together or not. We have a child together. Maybe it won’t be a traditional one, but it will still be one.’ Hannah looked down at the glossy hardwood floors before meeting Matt’s gaze. ‘I’m not going to keep our baby from you. Not ever. You can see him whenever you want.’
‘You do want to leave.’ His voice was hard.
‘I didn’t say that.’ She didn’t want to leave. How could she? No one ever wanted to leave the person they loved. That would be crazy. Except Matt didn’t know she loved him. She hadn’t told him so.
‘Then what are you saying?’ His eyes were burning right through her now.
‘I’m saying I haven’t made a decision, but I would like to, and only you can help me do that.’
‘What about our son?’ he fired at her.
‘No, not even him.’ She took one step towards him. ‘Do you trust me?’
‘You know I do,’ Matt snapped.
‘No, I really don’t. You told me you’re always honest with me, but you don’t ever tell me everything. You have such impenetrable walls around you, Matt, that no one gets to see all of you.’
‘Hannah, listen—’ he said impatiently.
‘No, you listen. You wanted us to be a family for our child, to prove you could be the man you should be. It’s not enough to build a life.’
‘It could be,’ Matt said softly, fire still blazing in his eyes. His posture had gone rigid, as if it was taking everything he had to stay seated.
‘I need you to answer me honestly.’
‘I already said I would.’ There was impatience in his tone.
Given how Matt had grown up, what his father had been like, Hannah had to ask this question. ‘Will you love our child?’
‘Of course I will!’ Earnestness poured out of him that warmed Hannah’s heart. A heart that was now hammering in her chest.
‘Will you ever love me?’ she asked, working to control her breathing. Keeping calm, as though this wouldn’t make or break them.
‘I don’t know,’ he replied, voice rough, regret flashing on his face.
Hannah’s heart crumbled. Part of her knew the answer but hearing it just wasn’t easy. ‘I can’t be in a marriage without love.’ She swallowed hard and moved to sit on the sturdy table in front of Matt, taking one of his hands in hers. ‘I don’t want to be loved less than our baby, Matt. I’ve already not been enough for someone; I won’t put myself through that for the rest of my life.’
Matt brought her hand to his lips, whispering brokenly, ‘Hannah, please.’
