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“You do what you have to for your family,” he said grimly. “I understand, and that’s what I’m doing here and now. If your father can be believed, I have a shot at getting my brother and sister out from under my father’s thumb. Hell, I want to get my stepmother free. She’s not great, but no one deserves my father. I’m only allowing you to use me for them.”
“I’m not trying to use you. The op and our relationship are two separate things.”
“They aren’t, and that’s not my fault,” Dare argued. “You might not have slept with me the first night because I was the target, but you damn straight did all the other times knowing I was. You didn’t come to me and ask me if I would help. You didn’t sit me down and say hey, Dare, I’m totally into you but oops, you’re in the middle of some grand conspiracy and I’m a CIA operative.”
“I was going to.” That was the hardest part. She would never know how he would have taken the truth if she’d been the one to tell him, to hold his hand and make him understand that he was the most important thing to her.
Her admission didn’t move his expression one bit. His eyes were still frigid as he stared at her. “After you had what you wanted. That information was more important to you than I was.”
“It wasn’t. It’s not. I was going to tell you everything. It was just bad timing.”
His head shook. “You can’t even admit it. We can’t solve the problem if you don’t think there is one. You think it was okay for you to spy on me, to manipulate me. It was okay because you were going to tell me. I’m supposed to believe you? Do you know why I liked your dad? He was the only one all night who didn’t make me feel like the bad guy. Like I’m supposed to forgive you immediately because you had a couple of tears in your eyes.”
“It was more than a couple.” It had been a torrent, and she’d had to shut it down because she’d known it wasn’t fair to bring that kind of emotion to the conference table.
“I’m sure you’re good at crying. Acting seems to come naturally to you.”
He was so wrong about that. “It doesn’t. That’s what you are not understanding. You’re assuming I’m some sort of deep-cover operative. I’m not. I’m the logistics girl. I’m the go between. Most of my time is spent sitting in a safe house with Lou. I’m not good at acting. I’ve never done this before.”
“Well, you were spectacular at it, sweetheart. You should get out in the field more because I know I, for one, was absolutely willing to give up everything I had to get in your panties.”
“Now you sound like Chet.”
“I did not call you… Damn it.” He stopped, taking a long breath. “I’m sorry. I don’t know how to deal with this because I feel fucking used. You would think it would come naturally to me, and yet here we are. Go to bed and maybe in the morning I’ll be able to be civil.”
“You don’t have to be civil. I can handle a few words. I would rather you got it all out and let us talk about it. I know it doesn’t make sense, but I did not sleep with you so we could get access. They just sort of went together. Even as I say the words I know how stupid they sound. I know none of it makes sense and I’m going to have to deal with the fact that I’m the bad guy here, but I also know that I’m not willing to let you go. I’m never the bad guy. I’m the sensible one. I’m the one no one ever worries about because Tasha Taggart never goes wild. She always makes the right decisions for the right reasons. She’s never selfish. I’m selfish about you. Only you. I went wild and made bad decisions for you. I know you’ve walked a tightrope all your life. I did too. I did it for years, and I know how careful it can make you. I held myself apart from everyone for a long time after I came to America. I was the weird kid with the thick accent who didn’t know how anything worked here. I knew the only way I could fit in was to be helpful and to not cause trouble. My parents loved that out of me for the most part, but that little girl was still in there. That kid who got left at an orphanage after her mother was murdered.”
His face had flushed. “Do not trauma dump on me.”
“I’m not. I promise.” She tried to ramp down the emotion. “I’m not trying to make you feel sorry for me. I’m trying to help you understand me. Deep down. It’s an integral part of my personality to not make waves. I made them for you, Dare. I made them because you are worth the trouble. Even if my family had been against it, I would have told you. I wish I’d been smart enough to do it earlier, but I was scared, too.”
