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Damian looks at me, shaking his head. “I don’t know how you do that shit all the time. Doesn’t it get old? Don’t you want to come home to someone who gives a fuck about you?”
If he only knew. But I can’t afford that level of connection and I’m not about to change that, even if for once in my life I wish I could. Lexi’s the first woman who I think would make me happy and I can’t have her. I don’t know why I texted her all that stuff earlier today, but I couldn’t help myself. She does all kinds of messed up things to my head, and for the first time, I found someone who helps me forget all the things I wish I could erase.
I lean against the back of the booth. “Nah, D, I’m not you. That isn’t for me. Maybe when I’m seventy or some shit, I’ll find me a woman in a nursing home, but for now I’m living my best life.”
“Whatever you say, jackass.” Damian shrugs. “As long as you’re happy.”
“I’m all good.”
He pops a piece of steak into his mouth and doesn’t say much else after that.
I wish I could say my life brings me some shred of happiness, but I haven’t been genuinely happy in too long. I’ve put up a good front, hiding behind the thick, indestructible persona I’ve erected, squeezing all the ugliness neatly behind it, but it’s always there, haunting me like a ghost I can’t get rid of. And as soon as I close my eyes…boom…it all detonates, attacking me from the inside out. And when I’m swallowed into the dark abyss, bits and pieces of death flash before my eyes. No one knows the battle that rages within my mind and no one ever will. Where do you hide when your whole world’s a lie?
CHAPTER9
LEXI
I twista lock of hair along the hot curling rod, hoping my waves last the entire baseball game. The humidity always kills my hair and I end up a frizzy mess.
I still can’t believe I agreed to go with Jax. We really should only stick to sex and nothing more. There’s much less of a chance for my heart getting trampled if I limit my contact with him to just his dick. Then again, a girl canreallyfall in love with a man’s dick, and after that, it’s just a slippery slope right to his heart.
At least he’s honest about his intensions, unlike Aiden who strung me along, cheating on me for over six months. Yep, he was fucking her for months behind my back. I honestly no longer care. If he wanted a younger, skinnier version of me then have fun with that.
I place the curling iron down and pull the plug from the wall. Glancing at myself in the full-length mirror, I see all the things he probably saw and wanted to erase. All the extra pounds, the wrinkles crinkling along the outer edges of my eyes, the cellulite hidden behind a layer of clothing, but in the last few weeks, I’ve come to accept myself more and more. Jax has a lot to do with that. Being with him is the first time in a long time where I forget the flaws I’ve come to know so well. With every breath and every touch of his lips, he lives for my skin. To him my imperfections aren’t a flaw, they’re beauty cast in a world worshipped by Photoshop and Snapchat filters.
Jax is a paradox, a puzzle I want to solve. He acts one way but says something completely different, like that text yesterday. How am I the one to calm his twisted mind? And why is it twisted? What happened to make him this way? It must somehow be related to the episode he had on the street, the day that car almost ran me over.
A cold shudder runs through me as I recall how fast that car zoomed for me, its tires squealing raucously against the pavement. In one moment, I went from being terrified for myself to being terrified for Jax. I kept calling his name, trying to pry his hands off of me so I could turn around and look at him, but he held on tight and wouldn’t answer. It was as though his consciousness had vanished. I’ve wanted to bring up that day again, but I’m sure he’d never tell me the truth.
I rub my hands over my skin-tight denim shorts, and a shiver shimmies down my spine at the thought of seeing him again. Turning this way and that in the mirror, I decide I hate the way my shirt looks and run to my closet to pick another.
I quickly rummage through the hangers.No. Not this. No.Ugh! Just pick something. He’s going to be here any damn minute. I choose a simple black tank top, and just as I put it over my head, my cell goes off with a text. Of course, he’s here already. Itisfour on the dot. He’s punctual as shit.
Jax: Hey beautiful, I’m here but take your time. We’re early anyways. But don’t make me wait too long. I’ve missed that mouth.
Lexi:Only my mouth, no other places?
Jax:I was trying to be a gentleman, but now that you mention it…
Heat sparks between my legs, his words caressing me in my most intimate places. I’m powerless to all things Jax. From his sweet words to the ones much kinkier, to the way he looks at me as though seeing no one else, it all makes me weak. But when his hands touch my skin as though they want to reach out and touch my soul, that’s when I’m truly lost.
And maybe it’s all in my head, maybe I see what I want to see even when I know he’ll never be my forever, but that’s all right, I like who I am when we’re together, and for once in a long time, I’m happy.
I grab my handbag and lock up my apartment, then head for the elevator. The ride down is quick, and as soon as I exit my building, I see his sleek, black Maybach parked right in front. I never took him for a rich boy. I guess I was wrong about that, makes me wonder what else I’ve been wrong about.
He gets out of the car when he sees me descend the steps. “There she is.” He smiles brightly, walking over to me, planting a gentle kiss against my lips. I grab the back of his head, opening my mouth and kissing him deeper. He clutches my hips, pulling me into his hard body. His groan vibrates around my mouth as his tongue skims across mine. We’re tongue tied in the middle of the day in the middle of the street and nothing has ever felt more right.
His thigh presses in between mine, pushing them apart. I grind on his hard muscular leg, moaning shamelessly as my need grows. The friction of his jeans against the softness of my inner thighs sends a shudder to my clit.
He lets go of my mouth.Damn it, don’t stop!His forehead meets mine, both of us panting.
“We should go before I take you up against the car.” He slides his hand down and cups my ass cheek, squeezing tightly.
“Would that be so bad?” I tease, lifting a brow.
“Can’t get enough of me already, huh?”
I push him away playfully. “You totally just ruined the moment.” He chuckles, stumbling backward toward the car, pretending I have all the strength in the world
