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Jax: But you like me more. It’s okay to admit it. Don’t worry, I like you too. I won’t tell if you won’t.
I tighten my grip around my cell phone and try to still my wild heart. He likes me? In what way?I want to know everything about the man with a face that could light the world on fire and save it at the same time.
I put the phone down on my desk, returning back to the stack of files I have to go through, hoping they’re able to distract me from thinking about the questions for which I probably will never get answers. As I open a manila folder, another text message comes through from him.
Jax: Want to know another secret?
My fingers hover over the phone as my stomach pulls into tight knots. I want to know all his secrets. I want to know everything he lets me see.
Lexi: Yes…
Jax: When I close my eyes at night, you’re the only thing that calms my twisted mind. Part of me knows you don’t belong there but the other part—it wants to hold you tight and never let go.
If a heart could stop beating and still live, mine just did.
* * *
JAX
“How does it feel to almost be officially off the market?” I ask Damian as Gabe and I sit across from him at one of our favorite lunch spots in Chelsea.
“Best feeling in the world. I can’t wait to marry her, man. You guys will see what I mean one day.”
“Nah, I can’t imagine fucking one pussy my whole life. Sounds like hell to me.” But that’s not the truth. I’m a little jealous of what he and Lilah have. That shit is special. I let everyone think whatever they want about me. I’m the fun Jax, the jokester, the one who lives in the moment and doesn’t care about the real things in life, but they don’t know me, and I’ll never let them see what I hide so well. I carry my fear and darkness with me always, and it bends my mind, never letting me forget the pain I saw overseas.
The thing they don’t tell you when you join the Army is how much it can mess with you, change who you are at a base level before you even realize what’s happening. I didn’t come back as the Jax everyone once knew. My heart and mind came back in a body bag even though I’m still breathing. I returned cracked and no amount of glue will ever fix me.
“When you find the right one, you’ll never want anyone else. It’ll happen for you too if you manage to get your head out of your ass for once.”What if I met her already?
Gabe laughs at what Damian said as he takes a bite of his burger. “What the fuck you laughing at motherfucker?” I slap him on the back of his head. “Not like you have a woman.” He shoves a middle finger in my face.
“That was some speech, Oprah,” I say to Damian. “Why don’t you share some more of your wisdom with us?”
“You can maybe learn a thing or two,” Gabe mocks, chuckling.
“Oh yeah? Well why don’t you take his advice?” He doesn’t reply, instead returning to his burger. One thing Gabe and I have in common is our commitment to staying uncommitted. Even though he doesn’t run through girls like I do, he still manages to get plenty when he wants to.
Damian used to feel the same about relationships, but unlike us, he really wanted someone but was afraid of turning into his father, an abusive fuck. But once he met Lilah, everything changed. Gabe and I though, we swore off that life after we retired from the Army but for entirely different reasons.
During our last mission, Gabe was really hurt. One side of his left leg and his back burnt pretty badly. And instead of focusing on helping him through his recovery, his girlfriend of six years broke things off while he was still in the hospital, and he was never the same again. Fucking cold-hearted you know what. She said something about not being able to handle the Army life anymore, but I personally think it was his injuries that kept her away. I saw the love in her eyes cloud once his bandaged body registered in her mind, they said everything she couldn’t, and he knew it too.
The poor guy was so in love. He was constantly talking about her when we were deployed. I remember him telling us that they met when he was just nineteen, a year after he enlisted, and they fell hard for one another. He’d show her pictures around, telling us how he was going to propose when he got back this time. But what he came back to four years ago, was heartbreak.
I don’t blame him for never trying again. I know he did his best not to act like he wasn’t dying from the pain, but we knew. She hurt him more than any of his injuries ever could.
Gabe’s one of the best men I know. He treated her like gold, and she didn’t even have the courtesy to stick around while he recovered. Fuck her. I hope I never see her again.
And as though it wasn’t enough to lose the love of his life, he lost his parents two years later to a car crash. He was their only son and losing them left him with no family at all.
I pick up my glass of water and as I take a big gulp, I notice a brunette checking me out from across the room as she waits for a table with a friend. The girl is practically undressing me with her eyes, but my dick’s not interested.
“Aren’t you going to go over there to Jax your way under her dress?” Damian asks, noticing me glancing at her. “I doubt it’d even take much effort.”
He knows me way too well, but the problem is, all I want is a certain blond, and ever since I slept with her, I have no desire to get in between anyone’s legs but hers. “Nah man, there’s always tomorrow. I’m with my boys, pussy can wait.” I sound nothing like me. I’d never pass up the chance to get with a woman.
Gabe places the back of his hand against my forehead. “You sick, man? You need a doctor?”
Have to make some shit up, quick.“Haha. Funny. I had some great sex last night with this hot ass chick. Ah, man you had to see her. Made her come three times in a row.” I smirk. “My dick needs a break today. Don’t be jealous, buddy.”
