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“Hells, yeah!” We pick up our margaritas, clinking them together, and take a few big sips.
“Okay, I’m ready now. Tell me your deep, dark secret. And make it juicy!”
“I mean I’m not making promises, but here goes.” I lean back in my chair. “I think I like him. No. IknowI like him. A lot. And even knowing where he stands on relationships, deep down I keep hoping he changes his mind. Pathetic right?”
She takes another taste of her drink, glancing up at me from above the rim of her glass.
“You can tell me I’m crazy. I can take it.”
She places her drink down and shakes her head. “I don’t think you’re crazy. It’s normal to feel this way about someone you like.”
“I wasn’t supposed to like him and now I don’t know what to do.” I skim my finger over the rim of my margarita glass, glancing down at my bare ring finger, wishing like hell I was really his fiancée, but I’m not and I probably never will be. I should’ve returned the ring the night after the party, but instead I took it off and put it in a drawer for safekeeping. Not as though he asked for it back.
“I’m not sure how to cut him off,” I continue, “and it’s because I haven’t felt this good about myself or about being with someone else in so long. I wish it didn’t have to end but I also know there’s no future. Tell me what to do!” I plead, lifting my eyes to meet hers.
“I hate this for you.” She sighs. “You deserve to meet someone who can be emotionally present and he doesn’t seem to be that man.” She stares down at her drink before continuing. “When I initially encouraged the relationship, I didn’t know he never wanted to commit or I’d never say anything. And as far as telling you what to do, I can’t do that Lex. Icantell you what not to do, don’t fall in love with him, don’t let it get that far. Lock that heart up and don’t let him have it, not unless he’s ready to give you his.”
I swallow against the raw, painful lump in my throat.It’s too late. He took my heart already.But I keep that little secret all to myself.
Hunching over, I place my elbows on the table. “It’d be so much easier if he were an awful person, but he isn’t. He’s so good. He has so much he’s keeping bottled up, so much that’s keeping him from happiness I know he desperately wants. I wish I had a way to help him, a way to fix all the broken parts he keeps locked away.”
She tilts her head to the side and gives me the most sympathetic smile. “You can’t fix something that doesn’t even know it’s broken. The only thing you can do is not stand at the edge of a cliff and fall, because he won’t be there to save you.”
Everything she says makes sense, the logical part of me knows that, but the foolish part, the one thinking with her emotions, she’s not ready to give up on a man who’s finally captured her heart.
I tap my nails on the table. “If there was some way to get through to him…I just can’t explain it, but I swear he feels this connection between us as much as I do. Last night when we—you know.”
“Go on…” Her mouth lifts into a naughty grin. She’s definitely buzzed already.
“I swear he was making love to me, and the things he was saying weren’t words a man would say if he didn’t feel just an ounce ofsomething. But I don’t know what to believe. Maybe they were lies. Maybe that’s how he is with other women too.” I rake my fingers through my hair, grabbing a clump out of frustration before setting it free.
Lilah reaches out her hand and places it above my other that’s still on the table. “At the end of the day, you’ll do whatever you want to, we both know that. And I want you to know, that no matter what, I’ll always support whatever decision you make. You’re my family and I love you.”
“Love you too,” I say in a low voice, fighting back tears.
“If Jax doesn’t realize what a catch you are, then that’s his damn loss. Got it?”
Sniffling, I ask, “What if it’s me? What if somehow I’m the messed up one and it isn’t them?”
“Okay, areyoudrunk? One cheater and one emotionally unavailable dude and you’re ready to call yourself the broken one? Nope. I won’t have it. The man you’re meant to be with is out there. You just have to be ready when he arrives. And hewillcome. You’ll see.”
“He better come soon because I’m tired of waiting.” But what I really wanted to say is that the only man I could ever want is the one I can never have.
CHAPTER20
JAX
The guysand I finally leave the pub by eleven, and though it’s late and both Lexi and I have work tomorrow, I need to see her. I need to tell her things, things she won’t want to hear.
Jax: Hey, are you home? I wanted to come by.
Lexi: Yeah. I just got in. Can’t wait to see you. Maybe I’ll even be partially dressed.
Jax: I’ll be there in about ten minutes.
I hop into an Uber and head to her place. Rubbing my mouth over and over with my palm, I gather up the words I have to say, rehearsing them in my head, changing them around, but no version sounds good. No matter what I say, I’ll hurt her. But it’s better if I do it now. The longer this goes on, the harder it’ll be for her.
Knowing I won’t get her teasing texts anymore or ever see her smile again is torture already. My chest clenches like a fist and the ache radiates through me, reaching my muscles and bones, shattering me while I remain whole.
