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My focus becomes blurry as tears mist over my vision. I struggle to remain calm, my hands shaking as I open my purse and take out the box I’ve been hiding inside, as though concealing it will change anything. I have to face it whether I want to or not.
Lilah gawks from the box to me, mouth agape. “You think you’re…?” she whispers as she meets my gaze.
“Yes! Shit. What am I going to do?” I stand up, pacing around, twirling a loose end of my hair.
“Well the first thing you’re going to do is go to the bathroom and pee on the stick.”
I freeze, grasping my hair with both hands before letting the strands fall free. My chest hurts as though someone has turned my heart into a boxing match. “I can’t be pregnant! This isn’t happening!”
“Okay, just sit down for a minute. Why do you even think you are?”
I remain standing. “I forgot to take the pill the last time we had sex a couple of weeks ago, I’m a week late, my boobs hurt like a mother, and certain smells make me want to vomit.”
She bites the corner of her bottom lip as she anxiously fidgets in her seat. “Shit.”
“Oh no, you think I am too!” I continue pacing. My pulse bangs inside my head with a heartbeat of its own, while my stomach curls inward and the need to vomit hits.
I quickly sit back down, holding onto my stomach.
“Let me get you some water.” Lilah scurries to the fridge and returns with a bottle. I take a few sips and breathe deeply. Placing the cold bottle against my forehead, I take a few more deep breaths to steady my nerves. Well this is useless, nothing will calm me until I know the truth. I place the bottle down on the table and pick up the box holding my future.
“Look,” Lilah says, glancing sympathetically at me, “none of this means that you’re definitely pregnant, so let’s not freak out yet. But if you are, just remember, sometimes the most unexpected things turn out to be the most beautiful.”
I stare wordlessly at her, unsure how to even reply. I want to share her outlook on this, but right now I can’t. I make my way to the bathroom, take the test, and wait while sitting on the lid of the toilet. Five minutes. That’s all it’ll take to forever alter my entire life.
I tried to give Jax my body without giving him my heart, and I failed. Now he has it, and I may be left with a piece of him growing inside me.
Dropping my head in my palms, I release heavy tears that quickly turn into sobs. I cry over the paralyzing fear of the unknown, over the possible pregnancy I didn’t yet want, but most of all, I cry over a family I’ll never have with the man I’m still in love with.
If I’m pregnant, I can’t even tell Jax. He’s made it abundantly clear he didn’t want a family, didn’t want children, so I refuse to let him know. I won’t be the girl who dangles a child in front of a man, hoping he changes his mind about what he wants. I won’t go through another rejection. Ever. If only I remembered to take the damn pill the day of his mom’s party, then I wouldn’t even be here right now.Stupid moron!How the hell do I forget something like that!
My belly flips again from the nerves wreaking havoc through my body. I jump off the toilet and vomit.I don’t want to do this alone!Pictures of my life flash before me. A single mom, a fatherless child.I can’t do this. That’s not what I want!More sobs break out of me, heavy and pitiful, causing my body to shake forcefully. Once the nausea lifts, I wipe my face and sit on the bathroom floor. I don’t want to be anywhere near that test. I don’t think I could look.
There’s a light knock on the door. “Five minutes are up. May I come in?”
“Yeah, hurry up and tell me. I just need to know.”
The door creaks open and Lilah walks in, looking equally nervous. She approaches the sink and glances down at the test. My belly rolls and I feel the need to throw up again. I can’t take another second.
“Okay, I’m ready.” I release a harsh sigh. “Tell me.”
And she does.
TO BE CONTINUED…
******
