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“Did you fuck him?” His gaze rakes over me, that possessive glint in his eyes again.
I close my eyes briefly, wishing myself away from here, far away from men in general. I hadn’t set out to juggle two men when I’d slept with Adrik, but here I am, and I can’t undo it now.
I don’t even think Iwantto undo it. The guilt that I had with Theo last night would be gone—but so would my choice. At least the way things are, I chose who my first would be. I’m not sorry that it was Adrik.
“I’m not sorry it was you,” I tell him quietly, hoping that maybe that last thought is the thing he needs to hear. “I’m glad it was. You were—”
“A good first fuck?” he supplies, his voice taut and angry, and I know he’s determined to pick a fight. If I had to guess, the person he really wants to fight is Theo, but he can’t. So, instead, he’s going to start a verbal battle with me.
“You don’t have to diminish it like that—”
“Why not?” He moves a little closer, clearly heedless of whether or not anyone might come in and see us, standing this close at the foot of the stairs, clearly having an argument too volatile for an employer and her bodyguard. “You certainly did when you fucked the Irishman last night—”
“I had no choice!” I hiss the words, glaring at him. “YouknowI had no choice, Adrik. Nikolai might have offered me the semblance of one, when he told me about the marriage offer, but it was never really a choice. This is what I was bred and born to do, and no one was ever going to protect me from it.”
“I would have tried—”
“And you would have failed.” My voice is flat and tired…so fucking tired. “You would have died because my brother and, most especially, Theo McNeil would never have let you get away with taking the Vasilev heiress away from them. And you know them and this world, well enough to know that there’s nowhere you could run to.”
“What do you want from me?” Adrik’s voice is low and sharp, his piercing blue eyes fixed on mine. “What, Marika? What you’re asking of me—”
“I haven’t asked you for anything.” I swallow hard, doing my best to hold his gaze, as angry as it is. “Ihaven’t. I told you what I had to do, and I said that I hoped you would be here, when it was all done. I didn’t ask you for anything, because I knew it wasn’t fair to—”
“I don’t give a shit about fair.” His eyes are blazing with anger, and it’s almost frightening. “I wantyou, Marika. I’ve wanted you for a long time. And now this man has taken you away from me—” His gaze rakes over me again, and he sucks in a breath. “Do you know what it was like last night? Lying awake, thinking of his hands on you, his mouth, himinsideof you. Inside of what’s mine—”
“I don’t want to belong to anyone!” I glare at him, feeling the tight knot of fear in my stomach unraveling, turning to hot anger. It feels better to be angry than afraid or confused or any of the other emotions I’ve been grappling with since the wedding. I suspect that’s what Adrik is doing, too—channeling all his hurt and confusion into anger.
But just because I understand it doesn’t mean it’s any easier to deal with.
“I want to belong to myself.” I try to keep my voice as even as I can, to keep it from shaking. “I want to be with you because Ichooseto. That’s what this has always been about.” I motion between the two of us with my hand. “Choosing for myself.”
“And what about my choice?” Adrik’s voice is very quiet. “It’s a hell of one you’ve given me, Marika. To stand by while another man has you as his wife and in his bed, while he fucks you when he pleases and enjoys your company, or to forget about you and still leave you with that same man. What I feel for you—”
“I know,” I whisper. “I know, Adrik—and there’s nothing I can do. Especially now. It won’t be forever—”
“Yes. You keep saying that. So I wait—or I leave.”
“I’m sorry.” I sink my teeth into my lower lip, knowing the conversation has already gone on too long, and not wanting to leave it like this despite that. “I’m sorry, Adrik—”
He’s quiet for a long moment. “You know,” he says finally, “I do believe that. And it doesn’t make it any easier.”
I wonder if he’s going to try to kiss me, and what I’m going to do if he does. It would be dangerous for so many reasons to let him, out here in the open like this, and more than that—I know if I let him, it will make everything so much harder for both of us.
I want him to try, and I don’t want him to, all at once. But in the end, it doesn’t matter, because he steps back, a sort of resigned exhaustion settling over his face.
“Go back to your husband, Marika,” he says finally. “And good luck.”
I don’t know what that means—if this is it for us, if he won’t be here when this is all over, and I’m afraid to ask. The idea of that feels as if it’s tearing my heart out at the roots, and I hate all of it, all of the decisions that have gotten us here, the fact that I was born into this life at all, where my happiness can be destroyed in a moment at the whims of others.
“Adrik,” I whisper, but he’s already turning away, as my eyes fill with tears.
I want to sink onto the step and bury my face in my arms, cry as hard as I possibly can until everything tangled up inside of me is let out—but I can’t. The car is waiting outside, and my brother is no doubt looking at the clock, expecting me any minute. I have a conversation to have with him, and then I have to pack for fuckingIreland, so I can be ready to go by five o’clock, the way Theo said. He hasn’t given me any reason to think that he’ll be overly angry with me if I’m running behind, but at the same time, I don’t want to find out if I’m wrong about that.
Right before I leave the country with him probably isn’t the time to test the good mood of a man I barely know.
The car is waiting by the steps when I come out, all of the emotions Adrik brought up tamped down and bottled up, so I don’t fall apart at the seams. It’s hardly the healthiest way to deal with it all—but what else am I going to do?
I sit in silence as I’m driven to Nikolai’s estate, my heart heavy and my body tense, as if I’m poised in constant fight or flight mode, waiting for something to go wrong. I wonder what Nikolai’s response will be to Theo’s plans, and I don’t have long to find out.
