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She wasn’t sure what his angle was, she just knew that he had one.
“That day, in the emergency room, I knew that things had to change. ThatIhad to change. I faced the fact that my addiction was a disease and I needed to get better. I asked for help and I was one of the lucky ones. I got it. I was referred to an in-patient rehab. I went through a three-month program. From there I spent a year in a sober living house. I still go to NA meetings three times a week and every day I work my program.
“My addiction should have killed me. For the first year during my sobriety, I wished it would have. I’m so ashamed of my behavior, to you, to your grandma, even to your mom. I know you don’t believe this, but I loved her. She was difficult and I’m pretty sure she was an undiagnosed bipolar, but I loved her. And I loved, you. I do love you. But, I will admit, I did love drugs more. I’m an addict. I will always be an addict. I can’t change my past. All I can do now is apologize for my behavior and do everything I can to make amends.
“I’m so sorry, Kennedy. You deserved a father who was there, who protected you, who took care of you. A father who kept his promises, who taught you how to ride a bike and drive. You deserved a father who provided for you, who was there on first days of school, and when you graduated, and had your first heartbreak. You deserved a father who you could rely on and trust. I wasn’t that man. I know that. I’ve always loved you, Kenny. But those are just words. And words without actions are delusion. I would love to have the chance to get to know you. To be there when you need someone. I know I’ll never be able to make up for all the trauma and hurt I inflicted on you.” Tears filled his lower lids, but he sniffed back the emotion and sat up straighter. “And you’ll never know how sorry and ashamed I am for that. But what I’ve come to learn is that the pain I’ve caused is not about me. It’s about the people I’ve hurt.
“I understand if you don’t want to ever see me again. If you want me to leave you alone, then I will do that. I promise. I am going to stay in town because I want to spend as much time with my mom as I can. But I do understand that my presence, that just seeing me, is triggering for you. The last thing I want to do is hurt you more. So if you want, you can let me know the times that you won’t be there and I can visit her then. I will give you your space and respect whatever boundaries you set for our relationship.
“I will do whatever you decide is best foryou. But please know, that I do love you, Kenny. I always have and I always will.”
Her dad stood and started to leave, but before he did, he leaned down and kissed her on her forehead, just like he used to do when she was little.
He walked out the side yard instead of going through her house and Chunks ran after him. She wasn’t sure how long she sat staring at the fence, waiting to feel something. Anything. But she didn’t. She just felt numb. Numb and empty.
The worst part of it was, the only person she wanted to call, to see was Seb. All she wanted to do was have him wrap his arms around her and tell her everything would be okay. But like her dad said, words without actions are delusion. And that’s exactly what their relationship had been, a delusion.
25
Seb’sfeet pounded on the ground beneath him as he ran around the lake beside his cousin Keaton. When Keaton had texted to see if he wanted to join him for a run, Seb had jumped at the chance. It was a hell of a lot better than moping around in his room.
All week, he’d replayed his interactions with Kennedy at the festival. He wished that they’d had more time to talk before they’d seen her dad. He’d called or texted her every day asking how she was, checking in on her, and wanting to see her. She’d messaged him back saying she was fine just really busy. He’d stopped by her house, several times, but she wasn’t home or wasn’t answering.
He felt like shit that he’d left without saying goodbye to her. He felt like shit that his actions had obviously hurt her. He also felt like shit that in just a few weeks she’d be going on a reality television show to meet her Prince Charming.
Laura had mentioned in passing that she had been officially cast on the dating show. The thought of another man kissing her, touching her, dancing with her and all the other things that they did on that show was bad enough. But what was actually driving him crazy, and he knew it was ridiculous, was the thought of another man making her smile. That was somehow worse to him.
He knew that made zero sense. Being jealous over physical things was bad enough, but he was jealous about someone making her happy. That might be grounds for him to be in a straitjacket.
On his run, he’d done his best to put her and her smile out of his mind, but it was easier said than done. She was all he could think about. Not even by pushing himself to his physical limits was he able to erase her from his thoughts. She was embedded in his DNA.
Which meant he only had one choice. If he couldn’t get distance from her emotionally, then he had to get as much physical distance as possible.
Genesis had been pressuring him to do a show abroad. She’d pitched Paris, Milan, and London. He had been putting her off, saying that he would see how his Crashing Into You show did first. But from the buzz online, he was pretty sure it would do well.
Maybe a change of scenery was what he needed. Maybe after the wedding he’d go abroad and focus on his painting and photography. Hundreds of miles of distance hadn’t worked to get her out of his system, maybe thousands would.
The two men finished the fifteen-mile run in just over an hour. It felt good. Seb had always been in decent shape. Growing up the youngest in a house of four boys had always lit a competitive spark in him.
All of the Savage men were athletic, but Keaton definitely had them beat. He’d won world titles in MMA and might be in better shape now than he was when he retired over five years ago.
Both men slowed to a jog and then down to a walk.
“Everything okay?” Keaton asked as they caught their breath.
Seb nodded before dropping his head back and resting his hands on his hips. His body was on fire from the punishment he’d just put it through, but he was happy that he’d been able to keep up with his cousin. His stamina was coming back. Even though he knew that might not have any correlation to his recovering from the nerve damage, he believed that his blood being oxygenated couldn’t hurt. And right now, his body was singing with oxygen.
“You seemed like you had something to prove out there. Like you were being chased by demons,” Keaton wisely observed.
No. No demons. Just an angel.
“I’m good,” Seb lied.
“Does this have anything to do with the festival?”
“The festival?” Seb repeated.
“Yeah, I heard Aunt Elaine was on a date.”
