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I let out my breath. “No.”
He’s still holding my hand in his. Our elbows are propped on the table, fingers laced together, and he rubs his thumb along the back of my hand. “I don’t want to put it behind us but I’m not sure I can move forward like this either.”
His words go down my neck like curdled milk, and my stomach spasms. I knew Dash wasn’t one to get close to people. Now I even know why. But…
He scratches his eyebrow. Scrunches his face, perplexed. “I don’t really know what to do with this thing we got going on.” Something between confusion and torment takes over his face. “I’m broken, Sunshine. You don’t deserve broken.”
This conversation is giving me whiplash. It’s like he’s into me and breaking up at the same time, but we’re not even together.
Somehow, I muster up sensible words even though my belly churns. “Maybe we just take it one day at a time?”
His lips form a thin, hard line. “I don’t really want to… you know… fall.”
“Fall?”
“You know what I mean.”
“Do you think you could…fall?” I say, more shocked than hopeful. I was only talking about whether we should make out again, and he’s…
He shakes his head. “I don’t think you could possibly understand what happens inside me when the smallest amount of joy creeps in. You’re different from me. You look for chances to care for people, and I stay away from it. I shut it out. Slam the door hard. I know you’ve already been through a lot just like me. We both have shit but we ended up dealing in completely opposite ways. You don’t deserve me doing that to you.”
I squeeze his hand in mine. His words might be pushing me away, but I know he cares. And that makes me brave. “Maybe you should letmetake care of me.”
A silent laugh blows out of his nose. He shakes his head and looks at me like he doesn’t believe a word I just said. “I’ve been thinking all morning. I don’t want to hurt you. And I know how women are. There are a very small number who have sex with a man and feel nothing the next day. And I don’t think you’re one of them.”
He’s right, but it annoys me. And hurts. “What are you saying?”
“I’m saying…askingactually…” His eyes lower. “Can we be friends? Trust me, I’d love to have sex again because you were there, too, that shit was magical. But I know myself. And I’d rather have your friendship than nothing at all.” His gaze meets mine again. “I like being around you.” He offers a genuine smile, and my God is it a breathtaking sight. “That’s saying a lot.”
Well, this conversation is a hell of a lot more mature and open than I ever took Dash for. The quiet ones are always the wisest. Even though I crinkle inside just a little because like a silly girl I have fallen just a teensy bit. And only now is that ray of hope I had for us surfacing, but Dash is right. A lifetime of hard habits don’t die overnight.
I’ve tried changing people before. It’s impossible.
I already know he’s capable of hurting me. I can tell by the deflated feeling in my chest that it’s not exactly what my body wants, but my mind tells me it’s the right thing. And I can always use a friend, especially one like Dash. I’ve never had anyone looking out for my best interests the way he did when he wasn’t my friend. I have to be grateful for what he will offer me.
I squeeze our hands together tighter, as if making a pact. “Friends.”
He nods.
“But on one condition,” I add.
“Yeah?”
I let go of his hand before I get too comfortable holding it. “You start sleeping through the night. That goddamn alarm is killing me.”
His eyebrows quirk, and his nostrils flare. He doesn’t smile again, but it’s something like one. “You’re a very demanding friend.”
“Demanding things that are good for you, too,” I say, picking up my fork again.
“Fair.” His eyelashes flutter downward, and he stares at his plate. A beat of silence passes between us. His thoughts are heavy and palpable. “I appreciate you.”
* * *
Dash leaves me behind for the stables, with some arnica and feeling more confused than ever. I sit in the apartment with my leg up, icing it so I can be better for tomorrow, and I’m bored as shit. It’s the first day in as long as I can remember that I’m sitting down for most of it. I tried to put on the TV, but apparently Dash doesn’t watch it either because it only has basic channels, and soaps are the worst. They remind me of my mom calling in sick during summer break, saying she’d take us to the pool or something, then falling asleep on the couch instead with dramas playing in the background.
I’ve never really thought about why I don’t like sitting watching TV before now. My feet are itchy, and I want to move around, but I promised Dash I’d rest just for today. Ugh. And to top it off, all I can think about is last night. In bed with Dash. The intimacy. The closeness. The depth of what happened is impossible to bury. Like he said, it’s unforgettable.
I need to tell someone and get it out of me. Maybe my sister is around.
