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By the late afternoon, though, I’m concerned. There’s been no more oscillating of his knot and we’re just joined. Laying around. He’s exuding this absolutely miserable vibe and I really, really want a minute alone. To cry, or scream, or something. Walk on two feet. Not be attached by the vagina to a man who hates my guts. To make a cup of herbal tea and go sit in the rain, asking it to wash my soul clean. It’s felt tarnished for so long.
We’ve spent all our time today on the couch, each with our eyes on our phones, not talking about anything, just listening to the rain pound down for hours upon hours when finally, I put my phone down and speak up.
“Riley?”
His eyes bounce from his screen to my face looking just as miserable as this morning.
“If you think it might work…you can try to… shift.”
He looks surprised.
“I’m a little scared, but… you’re obviously miserable like this and –”
“And, what? You’re not?” he snaps, making me rear back. “Your feet haven’t touched the floor in nearly forty-eight hours. You can’t tell me you’re happy to lie on top of me or have me lie on you for the rest of our lives.”
I promptly burst into tears. Big, ugly, noisy ones.
“Fuck,” he clips.
And then his knot starts up again.
***
It stopped about an hour ago, after going for what felt like an hour, but neither of us has spoken since.
I am tired of not being able to put my feet on the floor. I’ve spent the better part of all this time lying on top of him. I’m worried about my lack of bodily functions, thinking that clearly there’s magic at play here, though I’m not the orchestrator.
I don’t care that it’s raining out. I’m a dance barefoot in the rain sort of girl – or I used to be, back when I was happy, back before I fucked up our lives. But I’d settle for a walk in the rain, digging my toes into the grass.
I used to be the barefoot bohemian dancing and singing witch in her long dresses with flowers in her hair and hearts in her eyes. I doubt I’ll ever be her again. She jumped off a cliff into a mountain of pain and loss.
I catch him staring. Not looking away. Actually staring.
I look away, self-conscious suddenly.
“Okay,” he mutters.
My eyes bounce back to his face.
“Okay?” I query.
“We could try it,” he says. “Me shifting. If you’re willing.”
My jaw drops and then I swallow hard, processing the fact he’s giving me a choice here.
“Do you think your wolf will attack me?”
He frowns and shakes his head sharply. “No. Fuck no.”
I bite my lip.
“You don’t believe me?” He raises his eyebrows.
“I have no reason not to believe you. But, just sayin’… he was really vicious and scary and I’m…” I’m shaking as I leave that hanging, visions swimming in my mind of blood and teeth.
“If you don’t trust me…” he starts.
“I trust you,” I blurt, grabbing his shoulders and squeezing. “I do, Riley.”
And I still do.
He flinches and if I’m not mistaken, his eyes soften just marginally before he lifts us up and carries me to the bedroom. He puts me on my back.
“If he stays inside… um … me, will you be able to switch back to yourself fast?” I ask, heat creeping over my face.
“Yeah,” he says. “If it doesn’t work right away, I’ll switch back. I’ll switch back anyway since you’re so afraid of me when I’m wolf.”
My heart trips over itself as he hovers over me, hands braced on either side of my face, looking supremely pissed off.
He closes his eyes and bites his lip, looking nervous for a second.
My heart is pounding so hard I’m afraid it’s going to explode.
And then it happens. Fur bursts forth as his facial shape changes and his limbs stretch out into the much larger animal form.
I’m free. Not attached.
I gasp as I’m underneath the giant, brown wolf.
My vagina is on fire. On. Fire. But empty. Blissfully empty.
And my heart hammers hard in my chest. I’m terrified.
Switch back, switch back, switch back!
He doesn’t switch back. The giant, chocolate brown wolf with bright green eyes looks down at me. Sniffing.
Sniff. Sniff. Sniff.
Omygodomygodomygod. My heart is about to split out of my chest and run for its life.
His giant paws are on either side of my face, the rest of him directly on top of me. And he’s absolutely massive, so he takes up the whole bed. He’s not crushing me, though, so that’s a relief since I’m sure he has to weigh close to three hundred pounds. He’s huge, fluffy, but also looks muscular. And he’s warm. Very warm.
He drops his giant head enough to sniff the top of my head.
“Riley?” I whisper. “Shift back now, please. This is a little… uh…”
