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The misery is already behind her, while I’m only just starting to feel the cold of the misty storm in the distance. This was always our fate, and I refused to see it.
I’m a fool.
“Daffodils,” she says when she gets to the bottom of the stairs, her gaze fixed on the flowers in my hand. “I hope you’re not trying to remind me of our first date.”
I force a smile as my chest tightens. Oh God, if only I could go back. If only I could go back in time and become a different man. One who would give her gentleness and patience instead of bulldozing determination. One who would wait quietly for her heart instead of bullying her into marrying me before it had healed.
I shrug. “It was one of the last dates I went on. I’m out of practice.”
She snorts. “You went on plenty of dates while we were married.”
My chest grows so tight it’s hard to take a breath. “I never really went on dates,” I say with effort. “Those were only for you.”
She rolls her eyes. “What did you do? With the women yousaw, I mean.”
I flinch. “You really want to go into this?”
She’s never asked me questions about specifics. I assumed it was too distressing for her, which filled me with an unsettling mixture of triumph and regret.
“I do.” She grabs the flowers from my hand and turns toward the kitchen. “It doesn’t hurt like it did when you were smug about it. Seeing how uncomfortable you get when I ask you makesmefeel smug.”
Even in my turmoil, I can’t help but smile. She’s gotten a lot cheekier with me since we separated. “I’m happy to make you feel smug anytime you need me to.”
“Alright, then.” She places the daffodils in a glass vase, lovingly arranging them with her graceful fingers. “Tell me, what did a typical hookup look like for you?”
A lump forms in my throat. “I usually just asked them to meet at a bar.”
She places her hands on her hips as she examines the flowers. “And you don’t consider that a date?”
“I don’t. It was only a preliminary to…”
“Sex.”
I wince. “Yes, and I never would have taken you to a bar for a date. Ever.”
She turns to me, smiling lazily. “Maybe you should have. It might have been good for you to let me down off that pedestal.”
“You’re probably right about that, but that had nothing to do with putting you on a pedestal. The bar meetup was a sign of my intentions. It told my hookups that my emotions weren’t available, because another woman already had my heart.”
She brushes her fingers over one of the daffodils. “Little good it did me.”
Since her face is turned from mine, I shut my eyes, letting the stab sink into my chest instead of resisting it. Oh, if only I could go back to the beginning.
If I’m going to have a chance of winning her, this has to be a new beginning. Like Lily said, I need to be softer.
“Whit…” I say, my nerves whirring at what I’m about to do.
Her brow furrows. “What?”
“I want to be open with you tonight. I want you to be totally at ease. You can ask me anything you want, and I’ll tell you the truth.”
“You mean I can ask you literally anything, like who your favorite mistress was, for example, and you’ll tell me.”
My ears buzz. “Yes.”
Her lips lift slightly at the corners, and the tension leaves my shoulders. This was the right decision, however damning my confessions might be. I never would have made this offer even a few weeks ago. I would have thought it too dangerous.
Now, I have nothing to lose. I’m on my way to the executioner, holding on to a prayer that she might take mercy on me at the final moment.
