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I rub the bit of gloss I applied around my lips. “It’ll look good on my resume.”
Livvy frowns. “You could have found something much more relevant to your concentration.”
I shrug. “But I haven’t yet, and I’m starting school in a month. At least this’ll keep my parents happy.”
She’s quiet for a moment. “I feel like you do that a lot. Things you don’t feel like doing but keep your parents happy.”
My throat grows tight, and I look away from Livvy. Her voice is so gentle. Her words are free of accusation. She’s genuinely concerned.
“Alright,” I say to change the subject. “Let’s see what Sofi thinks of my outfit.”
Livvy smiles sadly, because she knows me well. She knows I’m not in the mood to discuss my fraught relationship with my family. As we walk into the kitchen, Sofia slams her phone on the table.
Ah, she wants to hide that she was looking at Finn’s Instagram.
“How do I look?” I ask her.
Her expression is dull as she runs her gaze from the neck of my button-up shirt to the hem of my pencil skirt. “That skirt is too tight. Remember you’re working for a church.”
She says “church” with so much emphasis, I have to clench my teeth to keep myself from snarling at her.
This is just how it’s been between us lately. She’s utterly dismissive and sometimes just straight up mean.
I run my palms down the fabric on my thighs. “It’s not like I have any curves to speak of.”
Livvy glares at Sofia, and my heart clenches. My bestie always has my back. She’s been more upset at Sofia’s treatment of me than I have these past several months.
“New Morning isn’t like the church we grew up in,” Livvy says, her voice gentle but with a hint of steel in it.
Sofia keeps her eyes fixed on her spoon. “I still think it’s too tight.”
Livvy shoots me an irritated look, and I turn away to roll my eyes without Sofia seeing.
“Well, there’s nothing I can do about it now. I’ll be late if I change.”
“You better get going then,” Sofia says. “It’s really important to Mom and Dad that you do well today.”
I inhale a steady breath to calm my pulse. What bullshit that they all orchestrated this behind my back and have absolutely no remorse.
I hate being the baby of the family.
“I’ll make sure I do you all proud,” I say, unable to keep the sarcasm out of my voice. “Livvy, want to walk me out?”
Livvy’s expression tells me she’s moments away from giving Sofia a piece of her mind, and I can’t have that. Not when I want Sofia to be proud of me, even though I know that I should have more dignity and expect her to meet me halfway as we bridge the chasm between us.
But she doesn’t feel the depth of it, and that’s the problem. She doesn’t need me like I need her.
It sucks.
Brandon
I had an epiphany this morning.
This sudden lust for Mariana is nothing extraordinary. It’s embedded in my genes. This must be exactly what it’s like for my dad. This is why he’s now had three wives and countless affairs. He’s hit with lust and then immediately succumbs to it. As with all intense emotions, it fades quickly, and he’s on to the next conquest.
As much as I’m loath to admit it, I have a part of him within me.
Unlike him though, I won’t succumb to lust. I may have been a slave to my desires before I found God, just like my worthless father, but now I have a higher purpose. I have a guiding light to pull me from my darker impulses. Having fleeting thoughts about Mariana is beyond my control, but they won’t guide my actions.
