AllFreeNovel
Share Us
PROLOGUE
Sterling
Darren ran his palms up my chest, and I swallowed back vile, his touch making my skin clammy. For two months now, Darren had been pushing me for more. But I hadn’t been ready. Honestly, I still wasn’t. It wasn’t easy for me to allow people I didn’t feel one hundred percent safe with to touch me. It made my skin crawl.
Nausea swirled in my gut, and I squeezed my eyes shut whenhisvoice taunted in my ear, “That’s right, pretty boy. I’m the only one who gets to touch you.”
“Stop,” I blurted, all of the muscles in my body locking up. Both of us were naked by that point, and even though Darren was gorgeous as hell with thick muscles and abs I’d once daydreamed about licking, I couldn’t do this. I was ready to tear my skin off with my nails just so I couldn’t feel him touching me anymore. And I wasn’t hard. Not in the slightest.
It’d been a problem for me for as long as I could remember, but I didn’t know how to bring it up to anyone, not even a doctor. I sure as hell couldn’t bring it up to my parents. Puberty hit, and my dick barely did anything. And that still hadn’t changed over the years. I managed to get hard for a second, but thenhewould flash into my head, and I would go soft. And if someone was touching me that I didn’t feel safe with, it was like my dick wanted to get sucked into my body.
One would think after being rescued fifteen years ago from that crazed predator, I’d be over this. But some things stuck with you. And for me, this was one of those things.
Being sexually abused by my father foryearshad fucked me up in so many ways, I lost track of them all. Hell, Istillcame across shit that triggered the hell out of me. It was a never-ending cycle of destruction that I couldn’t escape.
“You’ve got to be fucking kidding me,” Darren snarled, shoving away from me. He picked up my limp dick, and I bit my tongue hard enough to draw blood to beat back my fear at his unwanted touch. “You’re not even fucking hard. You got a goddamn problem, Sterling? This isn’t the first time I’ve noticed you can’t get your dick up.”
I flinched, pain slicing through my chest from his harsh words. It didn’t matter that he and I weren’t really invested in each other. Words still cut me deeply.
Sue me, I was a fucking softie. And I took everything to heart.
“Fuck you,” I muttered, rolling off my bed. I snatched a pair of sweats off the floor. Pretty sure they were Graham’s—my roommate and best friend—and they were probably dirty, but oh, well. They’d do. Ineededto cover up before I tried shedding my fucking skin. “Get the hell out, Darren.”
“Fucking gladly,” he snarled. He got off the bed and yanked his jeans off the floor. “And this—” he snapped, gesturing between us once his jeans were zipped, “is fucking over. Lose my goddamn number until you learn how to get your dick up.”
Not even bothering to pull on his shirt or his shoes, he stormed out of the dorm room, slamming the door shut behind him so hard, the sound rattled my teeth.
I blew out a soft breath and focused on my shoes as I waited for Dr. Clancy, my therapist, to call me back for my two-thirty appointment with her. I was missing class for this, but Ineededto see her. And two-thirty was the only slot she had available today.
I’d barely slept last night. Having Darren touch me had awoken a whole bunch of shit I wasn’t prepared to face. I shouldn’t have pushed myself to have sex before I was ready. Before I fully trusted Darren. I mean, fuck, it’d taken me almost an entire year to be comfortable enough with Graham touching me. Why did I think I’d be able to let Darren touch me like that after only knowing each other for three months?
“Sterling?” I heard Dr. Clancy call, snatching me out of my head. I glanced up and forced myself to my feet when I saw her standing at the door, holding it open for me. She smiled at me, but there was concern etched into her eyes. “How are you, hun?”
“Been better,” I muttered. And that was as close to the truth as I was willing to spew when people could hear.
I’d been seeing Dr. Clancy since I was a kid and my parents adopted me. They’d searched everywhere for the best trauma therapist for me, not caring what kind of distance they needed to drive. So, when I was choosing a college, this one was a no-brainer for me. Her office was within walking distance of campus, which was useful because Ihateddriving.
We walked down the hall and entered her cozy office. It was done in dark brown and deep burgundy colors, and black-out drapes covered her windows. Her dark office had always helped soothe me when talking about things. My father had always kept me in well-lit rooms so he could see all of me. So, I sought comfort in the darkness.
“What’s going on, Sterling? It’s not like you to call and make an appointment outside of our normal times.”
I blew out a soft breath and sat on the couch across from her comfy-looking chair. Rubbing my hands together, I leaned forward, chewing on my bottom lip. “Last night, I tried to have sex with the guy I’ve been seeing for the last couple of months. It, um… It didn’t go well.”
She nodded with no hint of judgment in her facial expression. “Tell me about it.”
I leaned back and sort of wrapped my arms around myself as a chill swept through my body. “I heardhisvoice in my head,” I rasped. “He called me pretty boy.” Another chill raced down my spine, and goosebumps popped up on my flesh. I rubbed my arms as if a cool breeze had blown over my body. “I told Darren to stop, and then he made everything worse when he touched me. Grabbed my dick,” I explained. She didn’t even flinch at my crass language. I was sure there wasn’t much she hadn’t heard in all her years of being a therapist. “He was giving me hell for my dick always being soft.”
“That’s a lot to unpack,” Dr. Clancy began. I nodded in agreement. I knew it was, which was why I was here. I wasn’t afraid to seek help when I could sense I was spiraling. “First, let’s start with you being soft, even when you should be sexually aroused. How long has that been happening?”
I flushed. I hadn’t expected her to zero in on that so fast. “Um… always?” I said, though it came out as more of a question. “I haven’t ever been able to keep an erection.”
“You haven’t told anyone before today, have you?” she asked me. I could hear the disapproving note in her voice. When I shook my head, she sighed. “Before you leave today, I’ll refer you to a doctor I trust. He’s been in the business a long time.”
I sighed, hating it was coming to this, but she was right. I needed to see a specialist. I couldn’t keep ignoring this. “What do you think is wrong with me?” I asked her.
“I believe you have erectile dysfunction,” she gently explained. I blew out a soft breath. Fucking great. “But I believe it’s linked to your trauma and PTSD. But I want a second opinion before I do anything further.”
“Okay,” I said quietly, leaving it at that. I trusted Dr. Clancy to help me make the best decisions for my body. And God, it would be nice to one day be able to be on the receiving end of sex rather than always being the giver. I didn’tmindbeing the giver—loved it actually. But I’d like to receive the same in return.
