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“Can I ask why you felt the need to have sex with Darren, and you haven’t known him long?” she asked me next, sensing I wanted to move on from the topic as well. I’d told her the moment I decided to give Darren a chance. She’d encouraged me but also reminded me to be cautious.
I’d obviously thrown caution out the window last night.
“He’s been pushing for it,” I told her. “I mean, I’m fine giving oral sex. That doesn’t bother me. But every time he touched me, I clammed up. And I should’ve known I wasn’t ready, but I thought I could just get through it.”
She leaned forward a little, her eyes meeting my dark ones. “Sterling, trauma is not something you justget through. What you endured and the memories you have to live with should not be taken lightly. It doesn’t matter that it happened fifteen years ago. You have to do what you’re comfortable with and what doesn’t trigger you.”
“And being touched by people I don’t trust is a trigger,” I muttered.
She nodded. “We both know it is, hun. Stop being so hard on yourself. Stop pushing yourself to do things you know won’t work out in the end just because you think theyshould. These memories will be there for the rest of your life, and the trauma, the triggers, the anxiety—it’s all going to follow.”
“I know,” I grunted. I just wanted to benormal.
She reached across the small distance between us, and after I nodded at her, she gently squeezed my knee. She was one of the few people I trusted to touch me, but when I was feeling out of sorts like I was right now, she knew she needed to ask for permission.
Everyone close to me did.
“You’re going to find someone one day who makes you happy and makes you feel safe,” she assured me. “But don’t force it.” Then, she grabbed her laptop and opened it up. “Let me write up this referral and print it out for you. I want you to go see this doctor as soon as possible, okay?”
I nodded. “Got it.”
She smiled at me. “This is just a tiny setback, Sterling. It’s not the end of the world. So, take a deep breath, file this away in your trigger file, and be aware that being touched sexually by someone you’re not comfortable with bringshimforth, okay?”
Oh, trust—I did that last night the second it happened.
But still, I just said, “I will.”
I blew out a soft breath as I laid back on the cot in the ultrasound room I was in. From what I understood, some weird wand-looking thing called a transducer was going to be used to get images of my blood vessels to check the blood flow to my dick. I’d requested a woman to do it, and while the nurse had looked a little weirded out, the doctor had agreed and told me he’d stand in the room but nowhere near me.
Thank God for accommodating and understanding doctors.
“Just breathe,” the lady told me. “I don’t have any reason to touch you like you’re worried about.”
“Sorry,” I mumbled. I drew in a deep breath. “Touch is triggering for me.”
She nodded in understanding. “We’re going to take good care of you here,” she promised me. “And I’ll make this as quick as possible.”
“Okay.” I drew in another deep breath and slowly released it before shutting my eyes and nodding for her to go ahead. A few minutes later, it was all over and I was dressed back in my normal clothes, waiting for the results of all the exams, blood work, and the ultrasound.
My phone buzzed in my hand as I chilled on the cot, and I looked down at it, clicking on Graham’s text.
Graham: Hey, just came in from class to grab lunch with you. Where are you?
I cringed. I hadn’t told him what was going on, and I knew he was worried about me because I wasn’t being my normal self with him. I was just struggling and needed time. Graham was good about giving me that, but it didn’t mean he wouldn’t hover.
Sterling: I had to take care of something. Have lunch without me. I’ll grab something on my way back to campus.
Graham: Promise?
I smiled a little. God, I was so in love with my best friend, it was sickening to even think about. Ever since Graham met me at the beginning of freshman year, he went out of his way to learn everything he could to help me. I struggled to eat on my bad days, so he found things that were easy for me to keep down like soup, crackers, broth, and scrambled eggs of all things. When he would find me gone in the middle of the night to go running to burn off steam and nervous energy—and to try running away from my thoughts—he would come hunt me down and just fall into step beside me without ever saying a word.
Graham had become my lifeline. He hadn’t batted an eye when he found out I couldn’t stand being touched by people I didn’t know, so the entire first year we were living together, he worked with me to gain my trust. But he also let me touch him first. It took months for me to allow him to touch me, but I swore I saw tears in his eyes when I finally did.
Sterling: Promise. I’ll even send a pic of what I order.
Graham: I’m holding you to that.
I snickered and then locked my screen when a light knock sounded on the door. The doctor walked in and took a seat on his stool. “There’s nothing wrong,” he told me. “Physically, there are no blockages. All of your vitals are great. Your bloodwork came back perfect, and I didn’t find anything on your physical or your ultrasound. I believe Dr. Clancy is right, and you’re suffering a mental block.”
