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“Gonna go wash this off. Be right back.”
He disappears and Jasper stares at me, but before he can open his mouth, Bennet reaches out and slaps a hand across his mouth.
Jasper glowers at his boyfriend, but gets the hint. I don’t need to hear it. I know.
Because of who I am and what I do, this can’t be a traditional relationship. I don’t know what I was thinking.
This is how it needs to be.
I run a hand across my forehead and sigh, staring at the explosions on the screen.
Kind of seems like a bit of a metaphor for my relationship with Tomas at the moment.
Just fucking imploding.
* * *
The party unravels pretty quicklyafter that. Carter and Reed, Jasper and Bennet all leave early, feeling the tension in the room. I feel bad about it, but my mind is focused on myself. I know it’s selfish of me, but fuck, I’ve just had a scary realization and my chest hurts.
Silence permeates the room, and Tomas shifts in his seat. He’s washed off his face mask and lost the booties. He’s now barefoot and clean-faced and he’s never looked more handsome.
“Well, that ended early, thank god,” I say in a choked voice.
Perhaps I should pack up and head home, should just go back to San Diego and get back to my life. I can’t live in this Ramona bubble forever. This country living isn’t for me.
Right?
I hate it here. The critters, the dogs, the fresh air.
My eyes sting even more. I don’t want to go back to my apartment in the city with the lights and the sounds and the smoggy air.
“I should probably go.”
Tomas nods, shoving his hands in his pockets. Those hands that I want surrounding me, want on me, pulling me into his chest and caressing my back. But they stay stuffed in his pockets and refuse to come out.
“You can stay,” Tomas mutters, and I meet his gaze before he glances away.
He can’t even look at me. Can’t even meet my eyes.
It’s over. I can feel it inside of me. My splintered heart gives a great big crack and rips down the middle.
“I shouldn’t. I should go. I know Hannah wanted to see me—”
I’m using it as an excuse, a reason to leave before things end terribly, but I’m a coward today. I can’t be strong. I’m just a fucking weakling. I’ve never felt this way about someone else and it might be over. I’ll have to go back to mindless sex on camera while knowing that Tomas is out there. Watching me. Regretting me.
“Okay, that’s fine,” Tomas replies and peers over at me. I stare at him before nodding and then grabbing my bag, toeing my shoes on, and heading toward the front door. I don’t even kiss him, don’t know if I can. If I do, I’ll stay. I’ll collapse into him.
No. I need to keep it together. I don’t want him spewing things he doesn’t truly believe or things that he feels I need to hear. I’ll figure this out. I will. I’ve gone through worse. I can go through it again. I’ll come out of this just fine, stronger even.
“Bye, Tomas,” I say and then pull the door open without a backward glance and trudge toward the moms’ house. By the time I make it to their front porch, I’m sobbing. It’s silly, so fucking ridiculous, and yet I can’t help it.
I should just leave now before things get too crazy, should just cut this off as fast as I can so no one gets hurt more.
Me.
That’s who will be hurt.
The door opens and Hannah barrels out, her little eyebrows scrunched up.
