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I’d never seen such a forlorn look on her face before. Not even when we’d parted ways. Thinking back to that time, I could kick myself for being an asshole and putting my career before anything else. Yes, we’d both agreed, but it was more me than her.
After pulling into the lot, I parked and, once out of the car, headed to the field. I stopped, taking in the scene before me: Jimmy sat on the mound, his legs crisscrossed, his finger idly moving the dirt around. His bowed head shot instant pain to my chest. His bike lay on the ground next to him.
Before revealing myself, I texted Hannah.
I found him. Going to talk to him. Try not to worry.
Hannah:All I’ve been doing is worrying. Please tell him that I love him.
I will.
Tucking my phone away, I walked onto the field. There wasn’t any other place like it for a ballplayer. It was our place of solace. Even during the biggest games, when excitement and nerves took over, I still felt at peace. I had a feeling my son felt the same.
My shadow preceded my arrival. Jimmy raised his head. His eyes were rimmed red, his lips curled down, and as quickly as he looked up, he turned his focus back to the ground.
“Mind if I sit with you?”
He shrugged his right shoulder. “Free country.”
Yeah, he was definitely a teenager.
Lowering myself down to the grass, I extended my legs, leaned back on my hands, and remained silent for a minute. “How’re you doing?”
Jimmy huffed. “How would you be doing if you found out your mom lied to you for your entire life?”
“She didn’t do it to hurt you. Your mom had her reasons. I’m one of those. I’m not innocent in this.”
“Are you glad you didn’t know?”
“Glad? No. I’d give anything to have known, but you need to cut your mom some slack.”
“Why should I?”
“Because she loves you.”
“Sure. And what do you mean that you’re not innocent?”
Shit.How could I say this without sounding like an ass? I was definitely out of my element. Then I thought back to how I wanted to be treated at his age. So I put it out there plain as day. “Because I had sex with your mom before I left. I should have checked in on her. It’s what a good guy does. Except my world changed, and baseball was the only thing on my mind. When I decided to call her, I heard she had a boyfriend. I let it go. Let her go.” I raked my hand through my hair, buying some time. “Look, you’re upset. I get it. I’m not very happy with my parents, either—well, my dad. All of this could have been avoided if he had told me about your mom coming to him. She tried, Jimmy. Remember, she was only eighteen when she got pregnant. Four years older than you.”
“She wouldn’t have had to try with me. I’d believe her.” He shook his head, and his eyes met mine. “I didn’t even know you two dated in school. I still can’t believe you’re my dad.”
“Me either.” Changing the topic, I smiled. “Heard you sent me a card when I got injured.”
“Yeah. I never knew if you got it or not.”
A little light bulb lit in the corner of my brain. Rather than tell him that I don’t think I did, I said, “Your mom didn’t stop you from sending it, did she?”
“No, but she didn’t say, ‘Hey, by the way, he’s your dad.’”
“As far as she knew, I didn’t want anything to do with her or you. I never got her messages. In a way, she did it to protect you.”
“You guys keep saying that. I get it. I’m fourteen, not a toddler. It’sher,don’t you understand? She lied or omitted the truth. Whatever. Same thing. I didn’t need protecting. What was the worst that would’ve happened? I would have stopped idolizing you? Small price to pay, don’t you think? I mean, you weren’t the only great pitcher.”
Ouch. Okay, that hurt.
He was right, though. Hannah could have told him. Sheshouldhave told him. And she could have easily made me out to be the bad guy. Instead, she told him that I was a good man. It’d never been clearer that she didn’t only protect him; she protected me as well, and unlike Jimmy, I didn’t deserve it.
We needed a break in topic. Mainly because I didn’t know what else to say surrounding his paternity.
