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Hannah
It had been seven days since my night with Cash. Aside from watching him jump rope while having my morning coffee or occasionally seeing him in the school hallway when he was on his way to meet with Michael or the coaching staff, I barely saw him.
Maybe that had been by design since I’d told him I’d never fall for him again. Today, however, while Mia and I sat in my kitchen going over details for the jamboree that we had just been voluntold to chaperone, thanks to Janice, Cash was in the backyard with Jimmy. They exchanged words that I wished I could hear before Cash walked away, turned, and squatted like a catcher. He flipped his cap around and raised his mitt, preparing for Jimmy’s pitch.
“Holy shit, Hannah. How in the world did you turn him down?”
I had told Mia that whatever transpired between me and Cash was physical. And when he asked for more, I said no. Of course she thought I’d lost my mind, but in my experience, I was doing the opposite.
“Shh.”
“Why? He can’t hear me. Please tell me he sucks in bed, so I don’t feel completely jealous.” When I looked at her with a tight grin, she shook her head. “I hate you.”
“No you don’t. You love me,” I countered, batting my eyes.
“Yeah, well, I shouldn’t.”
“Look, it just won’t work. I live here. He lives in Utah.”
Mia rolled her eyes. “That’s what you’re going with? You’re here and he’s there?” When I shrugged, she just stared at me. “First of all, that’s a weak excuse. But since I know you better than you know yourself, what if he said he’d stay here?”
“He wouldn’t.”
“Hannah, please. Humor me. What if—”
“Mia, I love you, but what-ifs don’t help. Do you know how many times I’ve said, ‘What if?’ What if I didn’t leave the stadium that day when I saw him with that Tina person? What if I didn’t care about that other girl? What if his mom answered the door and not his father? What if Cash and I never broke up? What if ... what if ... what if! Do I need to go on?” When she didn’t say anything, I felt bad for spouting off, but it clearly got my point across.
“I’m sorry, Hannah. I know it wasn’t an easy time in your life. I was there, remember? All I’m saying is that things change. You have. He has. And Jimmy loves him. You can tell.”
I looked out the window to see Jimmy high-five Cash before swapping positions. Cash was now pitching to Jimmy and saying something that I could only assume was about the pitch he was throwing. My heart warmed at the sight of them.
“Father and son. Playing catch. Did you ever think that would happen?” Mia asked me.
“No.”
“It’s funny how life works. Can I ask you one more thing?”
“Sure.”
“Do you still love him?”
Nothing like going for the jugular. “Love? I think I’ll always love Cash. He gave me Jimmy.”
“Hannah, come on. This is me you’re talking to. Get out of your rational head for a minute. Tell me what you’re feeling.”
“Here’s the thing, I don’t know. Sometimes it feels as though we’re those kids who were the best of friends who fell in love. Then other times, I feel as though I don’t know him anymore. I also need to think about Jimmy. What if we got together and it didn’t last. Then what?”
“Another what-if.”
“Exactly, I’m drowning in them. I just don’t know if my heart can handle loving Cash Jameson again.”
That was the truth. It wasn’t even loving him that would be difficult because that would be the easy part. It was the aftermath of that love that scared me. Yes, on the one hand, it could be wonderful. Just looking at him and Jimmy could be a glimpse of our future. On the other hand, it could all fall apart, and I’d be left with trying to repair my broken heart again.
It would help if each time I saw him, a small grouping of butterflies didn’t take flight in my stomach. It wasn’t just his looks. There was so much more to it. Something told me that even if I didn’t have a sense of sight, I’d still be drawn to him. That thought didn’t settle my stomach very well.
I just wish he wasn’t so good at everything. But that had been his MO since we met. He walked into school and fit right in. Everyone wanted to be around him. Then there was baseball, which was an extension of himself. He just had a way of making things work. Meanwhile, while he was relaxed, I felt frazzled. That was something about Cash I never understood. I knew it had to do with the years of coaching and having a high-profile spot on the team. He was the one who would get the win or loss in a game despite the team effort.
I didn’t have that sense of calm in my life. The only thing that calmed me was my art. And since Jimmy was born, the only time I brought brush to canvas was when I was teaching my art class. Except none of that mattered because being a mother came before anything.
