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My mom dragged me to all sorts of doctors, who couldn't find a cause and attributed it all to my fragile state of mind. They suggested therapy, which I clearly didn't follow closely, because I never wanted anyone to think I'm crazy. Yes, I have my issues that I carry with me as long as I live, but I don't have a real psychological problem.
I'm not crazy.
I'm just... unhappy.
It's hard to explain to someone who hasn't felt the weight of living for others' happiness while you're a miserable wreck, misunderstood and miserable. Sometimes I feel like I was born solely for my mother's ambitions, while my father seems to forget I exist.
I am a sinner wandering the world in search of redemption, if I am to believe the sermons of our well-meaning neighbor, Father Godwill. I've drifted without purpose, until one day, a glimmer of light intersected my path. In this unending chain of my misfortunes, I found a distraction from the last person I would have expected.
My salvation has blue eyes and long, blonde hair. Her brief visits have managed to divert me and turn even my anxiety crises and panic attacks into distant memories. She's become the answer to my unspoken prayers, and while I’ve never been the faithful kind, but she makes me believe that there's hope for me too.
I'm like a sick person who would give anything just to end the suffering.
The solution to all my problems is named Rebecca Godwill, and if her mere presence is capable of ending my pain, I must have her in my life at any cost.
I part the curtains and open the window. I take a cigarette from the pack and light it, my eyes fixed on her window. Her room is dark. Has she fallen asleep?
From: Masse
To: Little piglet
———————————————————————————————————————————V—
Come here! NOW!!!
———————————————————————————————————————————V—
I type out the message and hit Send. No response in sight, and my patience is wearing thin. Her room remains shrouded in darkness, and everything around seems frozen, except for the trees swaying under the steady drizzle of rain.
I’m so fucking bored…
A short summary of my current life?
Lately, the girls at school have all become boring, my shallow friends can't distract me from this dullness, and there's not a single noteworthy event on the horizon. I'm trapped in this suffocating cycle.
Everything is going wrong.
I've even started regretting letting the nerd Samael pick our gang's name, just because the legend behind it intrigued me. We snatched those masks from the museum on a stormy night, waiting for the power to go out. The formaldehyde soaked pigs were decapitated that night, eliminating the risk of the meat decomposing and losing the masks. They stink, but they look incredible.
The string of troubles continues dazzling with my lack of time since I'm in my final year of high school and the final exams await me. I'm working tirelessly to get high grades, maybe, just maybe, this relentless effort will catch the old man's attention, finally acknowledging my worth. I want to become his successor, to take the reins of the family business, and to wield power— or at least that’s what mom has been telling me from the start. Over time, her obsession seems to have passed to me, and now the allure of being the first sounds wonderful.
But that's not all.
The list of my problems crescendos with a living, breathing enigma. Her name is Rebecca Godwill, but I call her Becca, because I want to be special.
As if my life wasn't already hard enough, I decided to make it even more complicated after realizing that I have a crush on the preacher's daughter—our neighbor and childhood friend, but also in love with my brother.
The odds of swaying her to my side? Pretty much close to zero, so I'll continue with the blackmail until she won’t be able to come clean, pushing her to make a choice that will bind her to me in loyalty.
Seriously, I never really paid attention to this before, but if I take a moment to reflect, I realize there's always been a rivalry between Samael and me when it comes to Becca's attention. Since childhood, we used to playfully banter, or more accurately, tease her, because Becca was the vulnerable type, too shy to take a stand. I'm talking in the past tense about her timidity because now, she seems more determined than before. Maybe my small, impulsive actions helped her emerge from her shell and find her voice. I like to think I played a role in that, and I'm almost eager to claim credit, but Becca is far from reaching her full potential. She's like a flower bud, so delicate, and for now, I'm good with that.
Had she gained a tad more bravery, she'd be standing at Samael's door, confessing her feelings, not by my window, sneaking in whenever I call, like a good little girl.
Her fear keeps her glued to my side, and maybe I should feel like crap for blackmailing her, but the end justifies the means and I really don’t care as long as Becca stays by my side.
Her naive crush is hilarious.
What on earth could she see in that nerd, Samael? They barely talk, mostly because my brother is the silent type, always buried in his books, plus, they just don't fit together. It's obvious her feelings are built on shaky ground, so a lasting relationship with him seems unlikely, yet, I can't ignore how far Becca is willing to go for him.
