AllFreeNovel
Share Us
“Well, yes,” I nod in agreement.
“I suppose what will happen to you doesn't matter anymore, does it?”
I shake my head, no longer attempting to contradict him, but I end up sighing through my lips.
The sea is calm, just like the fire between us, which has temporarily simmered down. Apparently, we can also have a calm conversation.
“Then how about I go back home?”
“To London?”
“I don't know,” I shrug, that being a possibility too, even if the landlord probably already evicted us. That makes me think of my belongings, the things left in the apartment.
“What are you talking about?!” the cigarette smoke huffs through his nostrils, visibly annoyed. “Forget it!”
“Then to Matlock, to my dad.”
“I thought that wasn't your home anymore,” he raises an eyebrow, taken aback by my initiative.
I shrug and sigh. I have no place I can call home anymore. He's right. My mother is just an empty, sick shell, and my relationship with my dad is nonexistent now.
Where am I headed? I think and gaze towards the sea. All I can see is that I'm adrift.
I have nowhere to go, and that reminds me of a promise made far too long ago.
The sea, it resembles his eyes, and I start speaking to him, seeking answers while ignoring Manasseh's presence.
Samael, I still believe you have the most beautiful name in this world, I close my eyes and take a deep breath.
An overwhelming feeling washes over me, and I wrap my arms tighter around myself.
Where to, Samael? I inhale the fresh air carried by the sea breeze. After all that has happened recently, I know I shouldn't think about him anymore, and yet I do. I picture him as the sea, and questions begin to flow.
I'm not the girl you used to know, Sami. The pure and innocent girl you let go of on the night of the Last Fire. Why did you give up on me? What made you betray my trust? Did you know I would become the slave of Manasseh's desires? Was it a test for you? Did you want to see if what you did to me would make me lose my dignity? This thought has eaten me alive for five years. The longing... the longing for you has been so hard to bear. My chest still aches even now when I say your name in my mind. I will never get over you, will I? Why won't you let me go? I wish I could ask you these things face to face, but how could I dare to show up in front of you after all this? I'm no longerworthy. I tried to be, damn it! But I realized I stopped being even before I started.
I let out a sob, visibly distressed, and I can't suppress the tears. It's too dark around for anyone to notice my tears, so I choose to continue to let out everything, thinking unsaid thoughts.
The ongoing suffering had taught me to cry in silence.
Everyone has doubts. You are my doubt. Should I go with the wave, or let the wave go? I close my eyes, waiting for an answer. But the sea doesn't answer me, and I stop hoping.
“I feel so alone,” I say through tears, and before I know it, I'm thinking out loud.
“Welcome to the club. Now, we can be alone together”, he replies between puffs of cigarette smoke, and I pull my knees to my chest, allowing myself to be vulnerable in front of Manasseh, feeling that he is the only one available right now to listen to me, to know how I feel, which could be more dangerous than standing in front of a loaded gun with the safety cocked.
“What do you mean?” I raise an eyebrow and wipe my cheeks, hoping he didn't notice my tears.
Tell me how you felt all this time! Tell me what I couldn't hear, even when you screamed it. This time I want to listen to you, Manasseh.
“It's late,” he gets up with difficulty and closes his pants. “Peter probably arrived a long time ago and looked for me, but since I didn't answer the phone and he didn't find me in the apartment, he went to look for me, and he probably found me having sex with you on the beach, but he didn't interrupt me, because Peter is a nice guy, and he just watched us like we were in a fucking porn movie.”
“Still watching that crap? How old are you, fifteen?”
“I haven't watched pornography since high school. I prefer to create it now. By the way, can you stand?” he plays from his eyebrows, full of arrogance.
“You love talking about the things that you're passionate about, huh?” I look at him as he stays put on the icy sand. I brush aside his last question, because I'm letting him in on the fact that my legs have the strength of overcooked macaroni.
“Sex is one of the things I'm passionate about, yes,” he confesses and stuffs his hands into his pockets, then adjusts the front of his pants as he puffs on his cigarette. “I've always been a picky eater, if you really want to know. Like any teenager I would beat the meat to as much porn as I could, then attend services preached by my future father-in-law. You could say I was a saint with eccentric passions, just like him,” he grins sarcastically. “I guess it's true, that great minds think alike. Does it run in the family, or what? Because you're not a saint either, love.”
