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“And how would you know that?” I try to pry it out of him. Manasseh would never admit his own obsession to me, that's for sure.
“Just trust me,” he evasively replies.
“Come on, Masse! Believe me, I was planning to delete them, maybe even print a few, and show them to him. But I got swamped with homework, and you know how strict dad is about school.”
“I'm sorry, Becca, but I feel like it would be wrong to hide this from him. Samael doesn't dig clingy girls. It freaks him out. And you, Becca, you're more than just clingy. You seem straight-up obsessed.”
My stomach tightens, and I burst into tears.
“I beg you, Masse, don't say anything to him!” I clasp my hands together and plead with all my heart, kneeling before him. I'll tell him myself, but not now. I don't want him to find out like this, and then believe I'm truly some kind of crazy person, because... I'm not!
But I am.
Samael has been my obsession since we were kids.
I have feelings for the person who has ignored me for as long as I can remember, and the only moments he gives me attention and looks at me are when he braids my hair. Or at least, that's how it used to be, because lately, I've forgotten that those moments ever existed. No matter how often I wore my hair carelessly just to catch his eye, I still couldn't manage to grab his attention.
“I'm sure he wouldn't even talk to you anymore. This whole thing is seriously messed up, Becca,” he says, twirling the stick on his finger, and he seems so confident that I believe him instantly.
“Anything, but not that. Don't tell him! I beg you, Masse,” I cling to his pinstriped pants and look into his eyes, hoping he'll feel bad. “I'll do anything!”
“Anything?” he looks down at me, cigarette between his lips and a superior attitude.
“Yes,” I nod like an obedient puppy and desperately hold onto the cuff of his pants.
I'm making a fool of myself right now, but I don't care. I would do anything just to keep the secret.
“Anything, anything?” Manasseh tests my limits, but I'm ready to break them all, to humiliate myself, just to keep the secret.
“Anything!” I nod desperately, not knowing how else to assure him.
“Becca,” he sighs and kneels down, lifting my hands from below. “You're going to get your uniform dirty,” he carefully brushes the dust off my palms, and I can't quite figure out what he's thinking right now.
Manasseh isn't good for me. Manasseh doesn't take care of me, and he doesn't care about how I feel. It's always been like this, and it will never change.
“I don't care about the uniform. Don't you understand that my life depends on it?” I grab his wrist and squeeze it gently.
“Is that so?” Masse looks slightly confused, but his eyes sparkle with curiosity, and it seems like he finally understands how much it means to me.
“Yes, yes! Please, don't ruin my life!” I hold onto his hands, and he notices my trembling as he attentively focuses on the place where my fingers rest.
“Alright. If it's that important to you, then I won't tell him,” his face brightens up, and he tucks a few strands of hair behind my ear.
“Really?” my eyes widen, and I cling to his neck, driven by the calmness and joy of his favorable response. “Oh, Masse! Thank you!” I'm on the verge of tears, feeling like I can breathe again.
“Really. Now, get up! Maybe you don't care about the uniform, but you know you're fragile, and you could catch a cold,” his hand rises, and he wipes my cheek with his thumb.
“Thank you! Thank you so much,” I let him wipe away my tears, unable to contain my joy.
“Go and wash your face before you go to class. I don't want to see your face like this, you silly girl,” Manasseh grins and gives me a playful smack on my ass, then another one. “You're covered in dust!”
“Okay. See you later!” I smile excitedly and rush off to the bathroom.
He's right. I need to wash my face before I face the teacher and my classmates.
I'm aware that I've made a fool of myself in front of him, but I'd rather humble myself at his feet than be humiliated by the entire school when I've just started high school.
Three long years of torment would have awaited me. High school would have become hell on earth for me, and I don't know if I would have been able to endure it.
