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I get to my feet, “Oh yeah? Let’s see it.” I follow him outside, knowing that I know next to nothing about motorcycles and let him explain all the cool features. Considering that I’m just planning on using it until I can get behind the wheel of my Range Rover again, I’m not really listening. Once he stops talking, I nod. “Sounds good. Let’s do this.”
CHAPTERTWENTY-SIX
Itake a long hot shower. My hands are shaking, my vision's a little blurry, my heart is beating way too fast - I'm scared as hell. This could all go pear shaped… and then what?
I could die.
Is it possible that Father Lorenzo miscalculated the dosage or that my body will have a bad reaction to it?
Am I prepared for that?
Can someone really be prepared for that?
I’m scared, between a rock and a hard place, and I have to choose one. So I choose the rock.
It’s not an easy decision by any means and I feel backed into a corner. If just one thing were different – my parents supporting me, Romano being around or even being able to communicate directly with me, if I had more time – anything that might give me hope of a better outcome, I would never have considered doing this.
The truth is that, despite his messages, Romano and I haven’t really talked since he left town abruptly, and without a word. I don’t know what he’s thinking, feeling… or even doing.
I trust him with all my heart, but he could be in danger. I might never see him again.
The bottom line is that I cannot and will not marry Patrizio. I can’t stand to look at his face. Every time I do, my body goes cold and I freeze as my mind takes me back there, on my knees, helpless, alone.
Iamhelpless and alone. My family has taken my abuser’s side. I’ve lived in this patriarchal structure my whole life, I don’t even know why this surprises me or hurts me, but it does. There’s a small, vindictive, maybe even childish part of me that can’t wait for them to find me ‘dead’.
That will change their mind.
I’m terrified. The realization that I am alone in this – aside from Father Lorenzo and my aunt – is humbling. Being an only child, even one who was brought up to do as she’s told, I always thought that when it came to a choice my parents would choose me.
But maybe that was just wishful thinking because, in hindsight, there’s no evidence to support this belief.
This is my only escape. Will Romano come for me? I don’t know. But if he doesn’t then at least I’ll know for sure that I can’t rely on him either. I’ll make my way. I do know for a fact that Aunt Ludovica will be there for me.
Maybe I could move to the old country and buy a vineyard.
I just feel really desperate right now.
I sit down on the bed in my robe, wearing the teddy that Romano bought me underneath. Just a little bit of sentiment to give me courage to go through with this. I stare at the tiny bottle that contains the key to my future, picking it up slowly.
I take a deep breath, uncork the bottle and swallow the liquid it contains. I tense slightly waiting to feel pain, but to my surprise the first thing I feel is how dry my mouth gets. I lie back on my pillows, spreading my hair out in a halo over me. My robe is firmly tied, hiding the teddy underneath.
I wiggle, making myself comfortable on the bed as my vision starts to get even more blurry. I know it’s not just nerves. Something is happening to me. My head feels stuffed with cotton wool, and I can literally hear my pulse racing.
I begin to feel terrified, this could get so bad so quickly. The shaking in my hands becomes visibly noticeable, spreading to other muscles in my body – my thighs, my hips, even my ankles. I feel as if I’m on the verge of something, waiting to erupt.
I’m beginning to regret taking the concoction. I’d hoped that I would just fall asleep but that’s not what’s happening. I want to shout, “Stop!” and rewind the last few minutes, but it’s too late now.
I feel like I should be sweating, but everything is so dry. I feel as if my skin is cracking from how dry it is, as if I spent hours in the desert. I try to lick my lips but my tongue sticks on them instead, like a chameleon latching onto prey.
I open my mouth to scream but nothing comes out.
There’s something looming over me, a black shadow, just at my peripheral vision. Every time I try to look at it, it disappears. I feel petrified.
Help!
I scream the word even knowing it’s not coming out of my mouth. I can’t feel my toes. I want to cry but no tears will come out. My vision is blackening, everything’s flickering and then thankfully, it just stops.
I’m free.
