AllFreeNovel
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I’ve had sex with three men. I’ve been intimate with two men at the same time, in front of eight others. The woman I was when I arrived at this place is dead and buried, and the person I am now has arisen in her place. My body is alive in ways it’s never been before, an awareness spinning through me like bright pink cotton candy.
It sounds so stupid, but it’s like I’ve been asleep my whole life without dreaming, and now I’m wide awake and everything seems more vivid. Keeping this transformation to myself would be like shutting myself back in a box. I don’t want to dwell in the gloom again. I want to be out in the sunshine. And Natalie understands. She’s living this life herself.
I clear my throat and stare at the horizon. “Let’s just say I had a thing with two of them in front of the other eight.”
“Oooo,” she gasps. “That’s hot. Like exhibitionism and voyeurism all rolled into a delightful parcel.”
“I guess it is.” Struggling to look at her during this confession, I swing my sneakers back and forth.
“Was it hot?”
“Yeah. Definitely. I never thought I’d be into that kind of thing, but it was freeing, you know, like I let go of this big weight I’ve been carrying around and allowed myself to drift into the ether.”
“Hot enough to repeat?”
Now there’s a question I haven’t turned over in my mind. “It wasn’t planned. It just kind of happened, and now I’m not sure what will happen next.”
“Whatever you want.” Natalie’s so quick to reply that I swivel my head in her direction, shocked. “I mean,” she continues. “There are a lot of men in that house. That could be a lot of pressure. Just as long as you’re cool with what’s happening, and it’s what you want.”
“It’s funny but I don’t feel pressure from them,” I say. “I’ve just got this constant monologue running in my head about whether I’m doing the right thing, whether I’m good enough, whether the decisions I’m making are the right ones. I wish I could just switch that part off, you know. Just be able to live like some of my friends…like you.”
She snorts and grips my shoulder the way you would if you were about to impart some serious life lessons. “We all have that voice. It’s just some people are better at telling it to shut the fuck up.”
“Did you wonder if you were enough for your husbands?”
She nods, grimacing at the memory. “My ex was an asshole. He destroyed my confidence. When I met the triplets, I had zero belief in myself.”
“So, how?” I ask. “How did you find it?”
“They helped me believe I could do whatever I wanted to do. They supported me. They gave me the freedom to experience life and waited for me to come home. They were patient and kind and surrounded by that patience and kindness, I blossomed again.”
“They sound like amazing men.”
The peaceful shushing sound of the waves is interrupted by some whooping male voices and, when I turn, Theron, Tom and Clay are in the distance, running toward the sea. Natalie follows my gaze and chuckles softly. “They really are like kids sometimes.”
“Yeah,” I say. “But you know what’s cool about the men I’m currently shacked up with?”
“What?”
“They’re all so chill with each other. I was imagining there would be some friction by now between the ones who don’t know each other, but there’s nothing. Well, I guess there have been some movements of disagreement, but they’ve been handled in a really mature and respectful way. Everyone listens well too. It’s so much more peaceful and non-confrontational than I imagined it could be.”
“Seriously? That surprises me. I thought my men were chill with each other because they grew in the same womb. My friend, Connie, is with two sets of twins, so four brothers and they’re all cooperative. I didn’t think it would be the case with ten men who aren’t closely related.”
“Me either.”
“Sounds like you have the makings of a harem.” Natalie raises her eyebrows suggestively, and even as I shake my head, I consider what that could be like.
Sexually, it would be epic. More epic than it’s possible for me to imagine with my limited experience. Emotionally, it would be interesting. No two men would have the same way of interacting with me. Different love languages would make for variety and they’d each have something different to bring when it comes to supporting me. Economically, it would be amazing. Eleven people working to sustain one household would make everything a breeze. And most importantly, there would be so much fun.
But that’s all really one way. They’d never all feel satisfied being with just me. I barely feel like I have enough to go around when I’m single, let alone dealing with the expectations and needs of ten very demanding individuals. How could I possibly meet their needs?
“Seriously, though. What are you looking for in your life, Allie? Do you feel like you’re on the right path?”
I shake my head, watching the men I already feel so much affection for cutting through the water in a synchronized crawl. “Everything in my life feels wrong, but I never do anything about it.”
Natalie pushes her hands into her pockets and watches the ocean too. “Sometimes, fate, or the universe, or whatever, pushes us off a bad path and onto a good one. I can honestly say that’s what happened to me. I didn’t make good choices. My ex cheated on me, so I was forced to leave him. My friend found me a job, and I just went along with it. The good life that I have now kind of found me. But sometimes, we’re the ones who have to make that leap from a path that feels wrong but is predictable, to one that feels right but is scary.”
“You weren’t forced to leave your ex,” I say. “That was a conscious and strong decision you made. And your friend might have found you the job, but you accepted the opportunity.”
