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I’m a boat ride away if you want to go forward
Not back
What’s wrong with me?
Every amazing man I meet, I push them away.
If I were Penny, if I were my best friend, what would I tell myself to do?
Give Silas a chance.
No. Give myself a chance.
The thought is there while my elevator climbs to the third floor, and I hope the feeling reaches my heart too. I’m searching for it, grabbing the keys in my bag, when the sight by my front door grabs me.
Three dozen pink tulips in three vases. Each with a note I read:
PAST
I know I’ve used up as many chances, at least three dozen. But please give us one more.
PRESENT
You’re my truth. You’re my every reason. You’re why I’m still alive.
FUTURE
Please give me one perfect day and one perfect night with you. And then I’ll tell you.
For infinity, your Asshole
CHAPTER THIRTY-THREE
Dear Candy Cade,
My hand shakes writing this.
Your plane is landing, and fuck me; I’m nervous.
No, I’m crazy.
Why did I agree to tell you?
These past few months. The days I got to spend with you. I never knew I could be that happy again.
It’s like, for ten years, nothing excited me. I woke up, and every day was a beige blur. But back with you, my life is neon. It’s bright again. Even sitting in traffic excites me because all I do is daydream about you and listen to our songs.
We’ve had the best laughs. The best talks on your sofa while I held you again. I don’t have nightmares when I sleep with you.
And damn, our sex. It bombs me with pleasure I didn’t know existed.
Then you left me in New York, and that bombed us too.
(Me punching the wall after you left didn’t help.)
I tried getting by without you. But no matter how hard I worked, how many meetings I went to, or hours I spent bitching to my sponsor, how I was right not to tell you, it didn’t fucking matter.
He told me, “You never have to fear the truth.”
