AllFreeNovel
Share Us
Well… I fall asleep and wake up to my truth.
I love you.
And we’re fucked.
Because of the look on your face when you find out—it will hurt you so much, Cade.
It’s what I do, right? Hurt you every time, even when I’m not trying. Even when I’m trying to do the right thing.
Remember when you found out about Pamela?
We three were best friends. I swear we rode hundreds of miles on our bikes together. As kids, we were perfect. I was the wild one. You were the smart one. Pamela was the sweet one. That worked until we were fifteen. You went on a trip with your dad for the summer, and Pamela and I hung out at first.
But I could tell she liked me. She used to touch my arm and giggle.
Fuck, it weirded me out because I didn’t like her like that. I liked you, but she didn’t know, and you didn’t either.
I felt like I was cheating on you, so I avoided Pamela that summer. That only made me feel like more of an asshole.
She chilled out until we were seniors. Then she started asking just me to come over and hang out because she didn’t want to be alone after some dude broke her heart. I got so worried about her one night, so I went over. She hugged me, and I let her. Then she tried to kiss me, and I freaked out and left.
I didn’t tell you. I didn’t want to come between y’all. You two were so close. You’d talk the girly shit that bored me, and that’s how we three worked. It’s not like she was trying to fuck you over, Cade. We were all just so close.
And I’m a cocky fuck to say it, but Pamela wasn’t the first or last girl (sorry) woman to fall for me.
But then you read what she wrote in my yearbook. How she thanked me for always being there at night, for my hugs and stuff, and she signed it, “Love you always.”
Shit, the look on your face.
It was just the two of us sitting on the beach, and I never saw such hurt in your eyes before. I was worried you’d think I cheated on you. That I’d lose you for trying to be a good friend to her. But you just got all quiet and stared at the waves.
“It’s alright,” you finally said. “She can’t help that she loves you too.”
You were always sweet like that. You don’t give up on people. You see their pain too.
“I like her like a friend. But I love you, Cade. Like you’re-the-love-of-my-life love.”
I’d never said that to you, not like that, and you turned to me with tears in your eyes and gave me the biggest kiss.
God, I wanted to marry you right there on the sand.
That’s why I never told you later about Pamela and TJ.
Yep, that’s right. It made me fucking sick.
I knew it would you too, and I didn’t want to ruin your friendship or your memory of her later. But she didn’t know better. She got my new number from my sister and called me in LA. Pamela was in college and freaking out because she and TJ became a secret thing over her Christmas break, and she didn’t know how to tell you.
I mean, she knew how much you hated TJ because he was always after you. But she had no clue how much. Or why.
I told her that TJ was a dangerous asshole and to stay away from him. Like I talked to her for weeks and begged her to drop his ass. She said she would. She asked if she could come to see me in LA after she did.
I know she dated him, thinking it would make me jealous. She had no idea. It made me scared, so I agreed. I’d do anything to protect her too. So she promised to end it with TJ when she went home for spring break.
And then… I didn’t get any more calls from Pamela.
When my sister told me she went missing, I don’t remember much of the following months. I just drank until I didn’t feel. Blame. Guilt. Grief.
It should’ve been me who disappeared, not her.
