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Sorry, but I could fill this journal with every raunchy thought I have of you.
Shit, you’ll never see this, so I’ll confess right here—I’ve never been fucked better. And God, you have the prettiest pussy.
Even though we didn’t know what we were doing, goddamn, if we didn’t figure it out together until our sex became poetry.
How you would go so slow for us, making it last for as long as you could. Every time I watched you come, it made me do it so damn hard.
No one makes me feel like you do, Cade.
That’s the genius of staying drunk or high.
You don’t have to suffer how no one else can fill the void. How there’s only one person in this world for you, but you can’t have them. So if you stay fucked up, that reality won’t kill you.
But even sober, I keep fucking up.
I told the DJ to play our song, which only made you cry. So I ran after you.
Then I fucked up again because I got so overwhelmed standing that close to you. I just lost it. I played the asshole and earned the Oscar.
What can I say to you after all this time?
Because I’m not talking about it.
You want answers I won’t give because the truth will hurt you.
And, like always, I’ll protect you. No matter what.
So I guess we’re both fucked.
Because I still love you, Cade.
But love already killed us once.
CHAPTER FIVE
It happened again.
Poor Ms. Ryan used two cups of salt, not sugar, for her lemon pound cake. While I chew a piece, smiling, my lips are sucking back into my face, never to be seen again.
Ms. Ryan pats my hand. “Want some more coffee, dear?”
Coffee? I’ll need to drink Lake Marion if I ever want to pucker up again. “Yes, please.”
Never would I offend Ms. Ryan.
“I found another loose deck board.” She gets up from the table. “Have I sweetened you up enough to help me?”
Everyone knows my addiction to anything sweet and lemon. For Ms. Ryan, that includes salty too.
“Yes, ma’am.” My tongue is two feet thick. “I’d be happy to help.”
Every weekend I stop by Ms. Ryan’s house.
For her, it gives her plans, a reason to bake for a guest.
For me, it reminds me why I sacrifice everything for this job, why I’ve been fixing up her old dock and doing yard maintenance too.
It never ends… and I don’t want it to.
