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“Hey, Hollywood Motherfucker.”
“Hey, Penny.” She hates me, and it cracks me up. “Everything okay?”
“Sorta,” she says. “No new leads or anything, but we’re looking. And I got a favor.”
“For you, my favorite deputy—anything.”
“Such a smooth talker.” I know she’s laughing. “Listen, can you do a DNA swab of Nicolas’s cheek? Like without upsetting him, but if I bring you a kit, you think you can get one?”
“Yeah. Why?”
“Derek lived in New York. He was all over the place. Here, there, Virginia. But some unsolved cases match his M.O., using the HGB and all. And his tattoo is described by the victims.”
It flashes, and I slam my eyes shut, trying to make it stop.
The mudflap girl tattoo on Derek’s arm. I see it while he’s laughing and punching my ears. Gentry’s pinning down my ankles. TJ’s yanking down my jeans.
“Redix? You there?”
“Yeah.” My hands shake while I turn on my car.
“I’ll bring a kit by this afternoon. Is that okay?”
“Yeah.”
Razor blades. It’s hot, the rip of my flesh. It burns to my ears as they fill with blood from Derek’s punches.
“Hey.” Penny soothes. “You okay?”
Dismissal was my response for nine years, but not anymore.
“No, I’m not. Talking about Derek brings it back for me, too.”
She’s quiet for a second. “Thank you for sharing that with me. I didn’t realize. I’ll be more careful in the future.”
“I don’t need special treatment.”
“No, but everyone deserves respect.” Another pause. “I’ll be by later today.”
Our call ends, and deep down, I wish it was Cade coming by.
Even if it’s business, I want to apologize for being so cruel and taking my anger out on her.
Cade’s the safest place for me; deep down, I know it when I’m in pain. I lash out, and she’ll still love me. But that’s not fair to her. It hurts her, and that’s the last thing I want.
It’s like just when I healed from my own shit, I found out about Renie, and I gotta dig so deep to find my peace.
Cade used to be my peace; even just the thought of her made it okay.
I gotta find my own peace now.
It’s hard because I feel like someone’s following me every time I drive. For weeks now, the feeling’s making me paranoid. It’s like I’m being watched everywhere I go, but not by the media. It’s like I’m doing something wrong. And every time I sleep, I have nightmares. My best times awake are with my family or in my meetings.
I go home and shop online for furniture for the rest of the day. Me and Cade were supposed to do it together, but I need something for guests to sit on.
Nicolas and Renie come in the door, and he’s wide open when he gets home from school, running all over the house. I swear I’m signing that boy up for the track team one day.
I love it. I chase him for hours. Then I make our dinner, Mama gets him a bath, and Renie gets him ready for bed. The house is finally quiet again, so I knock on Renie’s bedroom door.
