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There was a strain between us that only grew worse, and that was the main reason I was doing this.
I’d tried to avoid doing this.
By doing this, I not only lost Joel, I lost Zara too.
She’d kill me. She’d never speak to me again. She was the reason I’d lasted fourteen months as Joel’s girlfriend.
I loved Zara. I loved her like a sister. I loved hanging out with her and valued her friendship. We’d promised that we’d grow old and grey together, but after tonight...she’d hate me.
I should never have used her brother to get over my feelings for Aslan. I should’ve gone for any number of boys in school. If I had, I could go to my best friend and tell her about this break-up. She would console me, and I could finally confess my feelings for the boy who lived in my garden.
But thanks to my idiocy, tonight she would break up with me forever, all because I broke up with her brother.
“Yeah, sorry, just been one of those days.” I tried to smile, but nerves turned it into a grimace. Smoothing down my baby-blue sundress, I did my best to fight my trembling.
“What’s up?” Joel’s handsome face slipped into genuine concern. His black t-shirt strained as he sucked in a breath. “You’re scaring me.”
“I’m sorry.” I hung my head, hating this. Hating myself. “I don’t mean to.”
A slow shadow filled his hazel stare. “What aren’t you saying, Neri?”
My spine stiffened; I fought for strength. “Do you want to go into the beer garden? It won’t be so crowded there.”
I didn’t think I could break up with him at the bar. That would be beyond tacky. If I was going to do it here, surrounded by tourists, I might as well just have texted him.
Joel sat next to me on an empty seat. Swinging my barstool to face his, he planted his hands on my upper thighs and stroked me with his thumbs. “Here is good. Just spit it out and then we can go and get something to eat. Did I do something wrong? I’m sorry I haven’t been around as much lately. You know I’m training for the Rip Curl Cup. You said you understood that I have to chase the best waves and—”
“It’s not that,” I whispered.
If anything, I hadn’t minded the long weeks he’d been away, hunting good sets and sending me snapchats of perfect sunsets on the beaches down the coast.
While he was gone, I could almost pretend that I hadn’t ruined things between Aslan and I.
“What is it then?” He cupped my cheek. “Tell me.”
I leaned into his palm, horribly taking comfort from him.
I’d grown used to how affectionate he was. How he always wrapped his arms around me, even with his family watching. How he’d kiss me for anything and everything. How he’d slip into a trance that made me feel both powerful and cruel whenever he undressed me.
Fourteen months.
And not one part of my heart had fallen for him.
If anything, my traitorous heart had fallen even deeper into Aslan.
And the more Aslan put up walls between us, the more I dreamed of him, cried out for him, desired him.
I couldn’t do it anymore.
I couldn’t keep lying.
This was my fault, and I had to fix it.
Are you sure?
Last chance, Neri.
If I did this, I would go to school tomorrow and be an outcast. I would spend my final months hated and whispered about, all because I hurt Zara’s brother. It didn’t matter that Joel had finished high school...he was well liked. People were tightknit in our town, and this would be such a betrayal.
