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I exhaled with a snarl. “Then this can’t happen.” It took superhuman strength to release her and step back.
I swayed on the spot.
My cock pounded behind my zipper.
I could barely see straight with how desperate she made me.
“It’s already too late to stop.” Pushing off from the Jeep, she stalked me as I backed deeper into the trees. “It was too late the moment we met.”
“Don’t say that. If I keep my hands to myself, you will find another. You’ll meet another Joel and—”
“Be miserable.”
“Did you fuck him?” The question fell from my tongue before I could bite it back.
She froze.
Fury coated my vision as answers clouded her face. Lies. Truths. Until she finally just gave me a simple. “Yes.”
My eyes snapped shut.
It shouldn’t hurt as much as it did.
I’d guessed. I’d assumed. I’d tortured myself with images of her with him.
Yet having her admit it?
Anger had me striding forward and planting a fist between her breasts. Marching her backward to the Jeep, she gasped as I shoved her against the door. “Aren’t you going to ask me if I fucked anyone?”
She winced; pain coated her voice. “Have you? Did you—?”
“I tried.” My fingers spread over her chest, my thumb on the top of one breast, my pinkie on the top of the other. “I tried multiple times. And you know what happened?”
She sucked in a breath, pushing more of her flesh into my control. “Tell me.”
I’d dreamed of touching her like this.
I’d convinced myself, late at night while I jerked off to fantasies of her, that if I could just steal a single kiss, a passing touch, I would be satisfied.
Lies.
This wasn’t enough.
Nothing would ever be enough when it came to her.
And in that, it seemed I was doomed.
She could find comfort with another, all while I suffered impotence.
If I was a better man, I would find solace in that. I would be relieved that if anything did happen to me, she would eventually move on with another.
But that would mean I’d have to be willing to share her, and I could never do that. I could never be that honourable. That decent. I wanted her to want me as desperately, as manically, as suicidally as I wanted her.
And that showed me how twisted I truly was. How unhealthy my obsession with her had become—
“I slept with him, but I never found pleasure,” Neri breathed, freezing me. “Every time I was with him, it was you I wanted. It’s your name I breathe as I make myself come. It’s you who I dream of. It’s you who has me so wrapped up in need that the mere thought of being with anyone else makes me want to scream and fight and tell the whole world that you are mine. You and only you.”
Tears ran down her face as her voice cracked. “I wanted you to be my first, Aslan. I wanted you to take that because it was always yours to take—”
