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I rubbed at the bruises on my knees from falling out of bed that’d become a bad habit.
My mouth was sour from dream screaming.
My body wet from dream needing.
The house remained quiet and comforting around me, but I couldn’t be there.
Like most nights, I grabbed my white dressing gown, slipped into it, and padded out of my room. I checked on Ayla, sleeping with her little fists above her head, her face so serious even while slumbering. With a kiss to her chubby cheek, I drifted past Teddy and Eddie’s bedroom, and cut through the designer lounge where Teddy had somehow turned second-hand eclectic furniture into a boho chic fit for a beachside magazine.
The sliding doors into the overgrown garden made no noise as I disappeared outside and followed my well-trodden path through the side gate, over the front lawn, and down the street to the beach.
Draping my dressing gown on the branches of a twisted banyan, I ripped off Aslan’s t-shirt that I slept in, and moved naked in the clouded moonlight to the sea.
No one knew I took these two a.m. swims.
No one needed to know.
This was the only cure I’d found for my chronic grief-stricken disease.
I’d grown reckless swimming in the ocean at a time when creatures came out to feed. I felt no fear as I splashed while monsters cruised below. In a way, I was offering myself up to fate. If it answered my call and took me one day, then I would know Aslan was indeed dead, and it was time I returned to him. But each night, as I cut through the black-silver water, pushed myself until my lungs burned, and kicked legs made of lead, I somehow survived.
Nothing came for me.
Nothing stopped my nightmares.
And by dawn, I was rinsed clean enough to face another day without my heart.
*
One year, six months...
*
“Seni seviyorum, Ayla.” I blew bubbles on my daughter’s neck as she flounced around in the bathtub. “Do you know what that means? It means I love you. Daddy would say that to you if he were here. He’d also say sen küçük bir baliksin, tipki annen gibi, which means you’re a little fish...just like me.”
She squealed and splashed, her busy little fists snatching up a wind-up clownfish as it flapped around in the bathwater.
“Another language lesson?” Teddy stuck his head into the steamy silver-tiled bathroom, depositing a fresh towel on the lid of the toilet. “She said her first word yet?”
“Nope.”
“Do you want it to be Turkish or English?”
“Either.” I shrugged. “She’s going to be bilingual, so whichever comes first is fine.”
“You’re turning me bilingual.” Teddy grinned. “This entire household will switch between two languages as if we’re natives.”
“That’s my hope.” I gave him a smile that I hoped hid all my heartbreak. “I want her to know him...even if he’s not here.”
“Ah, Nee.” Crossing his arms, Teddy leaned against the doorframe. “She knows. And he knows. Wherever he is, he’s watching both of you.”
I sniffed and changed the subject. I’d become a master at that now. “Go on. Lesson time for you. Say something.”
He frowned in concentration, finally stumbling over vowels and accents. “Biraz türkçe konusabiliyorum.” (I can speak Turkish a little bit).
I now understood how difficult it would’ve been for Aslan to hear me butchering his tongue. I wasn’t fluent yet, but my ear had matured enough to know when the pronunciation was right or wrong. “Hey, that’s really good.”
“I have a good teacher. Between you and Anna with her apps, I’ll be a pro.”
