AllFreeNovel
Share Us
“This place is so good,” my mother chimed in.
We were having pizza at a local favorite place. We often ordered takeout for lunch at the vet clinic from here.
After taking a swallow of water, I replied, “It really is.”
I thought we were going to do our usual for this lunch date, a sort of comfortable conversation about the weather, my job, and the various things my mother was doing to settle into Willow Brook.
“You know how I mentioned your grandparents?”
I nodded. “Yeah?” A sense of uneasiness and trepidation slid through me.
It wasn’t that I had forgotten my mother had mentioned my grandparents, but I had mastered, absolutelymastered, the art of compartmentalization. A part of that included never dwelling on details. It was a way to protect myself, to never expect too much from life.
“I’ve talked to them a few times, and they do want to visit. What do you think?”
She looked so hopeful, almost childlike, that it cracked my already achy, tired heart. She’d never been able to consider having friends or family visit when my stepfather was alive. It almost felt as if she were asking my permission, which saddened me further. She was so deeply ingrained in never making waves that I knew if I shared any hesitation, she wouldn’t do it. Not that I would, but it was heartbreaking to know she would if I did.
“Not that you need my permission, but I think it’s a great idea. As I said before, I’ll help pay for the tickets. If you’d prefer to go see them, I’ll help with that too.”
My mother was quiet for a few beats, fiddling with her fork. “I think it would be better if I went there, probably.”
Her brow was furrowed, and worry flickered in her gaze. She had been chronically worried for my entire life, so that was nothing new. But I felt pressed to ask, “What are you worried about?”
Her shoulders rose and fell when she took a deep breath. “I just don’t know how to make it right.”
“Make what right?” I thought I knew what she meant, but I wasn’t entirely sure.
“I never should’ve stayed with Gerald, but I didn’t know how to get out.”
“I know.” My tone was clipped, and I didn’t mean for it to be.
It was just a mess. Intellectually, I understood how hard it had been for her. I just wished she had gotten out before it got so bad. If I ever forgot how bad it was, I always had the scar on my back to remind me. There were so many things that I could never talk about with her. There were hundreds of little landmines in my relationship with my mother. We were trying to make our way through this, carefully zigzagging, freezing in place, and then tiptoeing forward. Sometimes we reversed course and went backward. I wanted it to be okay for us, but I didn’t know how we’d ever really get there.
I scraped for composure, for my own pain not to barge into this too much. “Mom, you can’t change the past. All you can do is move forward. I know Gerald didn’t want you to have contact with, well, anyone. It’s not like I don’t get it, either. I get it intellectually, but it’s still hard emotionally.”
My mother stared at me, blinking rapidly. “Farrah, I would give anything to undo my choices.”
“I know.” My voice was a little hoarse. My heart ached, and I was tired, so very weary.
I thought about Cooper. Even though I didn’t want to admit it, I knew I was in love with him. I didn’t trust the universe to make it okay. Because I remembered when my mother met Gerald and it all began. He was nice. Until he wasn’t. It all started with a slap. Even though I trusted Cooper, or I thought I did, I wasn’t so sure I could trust my own judgment. What if it all fell apart?
I didn’t just mean him becoming controlling or violent. I didn’t believe that would ever happen. I just didn’t know if I could ever relax. It was almost easier to keep my distance. I took a shaky breath. “Mom, it’s okay. It’s really okay.”
She studied me before nodding. “I think I’ll fly to see my parents. I think I should go first, and we’ll see how it goes.”
“Okay, I’ll get your ticket.”
“You don’t—”
“Mom, I want to help,” I insisted. “I can afford it.”
“If you want to go with me—”
I shook my head. “Mom, one thing at a time. You go, see how it goes, and then we can go together again, or they can come up here.”
When we walked outside after dinner, we hugged. It was brief, but my heart softened a little. I wanted us to be okay. I didn’t know if I was disappointed with my mother, or the universe. I just wished my feelings weren’t so fraught so much of the time.
After she drove away, I took a slow breath and tipped my head back to look up at the sky. The stars were bright, and clouds drifted across the moon. An owl hooted in the trees nearby with another calling in return. No matter what happened, nature simply carried on.
