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“And then you reached Salvation.”
“After about a year, yeah. I didn’t recognize myself. I’d put on weight, but a lot of it was muscle. I didn’t know when I got here that it would be my last stop.”
The pain etched into Butch’s voice tore at Sol’s heart, and he knew he could do something about that.
I can help him heal, if only a little.
“She was wrong to lay the blame at your door. You weren’t the only one at fault. We were just as guilty.” Sol pushed out a sigh. “Scott was in my thoughts for such a long time.”
“Whether it was my fault, yours, Cal’s, Pete’s…” Butch stared at him, his face drawn. “What the fuck does it matter? It still doesn’t change the fact Scott died. We pushed him, and he couldn’t take it.”
“Butch…” Sol spokecalmly, waiting until he had Butch’s attention. “Please… let me speak.”
Butch blinked. “Okay.”
Sol expelled his tension with a long breath. “I can’t tell you how many times I’ve thought about that last year. I know it didn’t matter that we didn’t hit Scott: the verbal bullying we did that day—and all the days that led up to it—would have been enough to put him through hell.” Sol held his hands up. “I’ll be honest. I screwed up there, big time, and it taught me a lesson that I take into every goddamn scene I do.” He stared at Butch. “You already know what I learned, don’t you? That words can bring someone to their knees just as easily as blows.” He swallowed. “Scott lost his dad, and we should’ve thought about that when we were taunting the fuck out of him. We should’ve remembered he was hurting in other ways, but we didn’t. We didn’t think, and dammit, weshould’vedone. Me, you…we were swamped with fighting our own sexuality, and Scott got caught in our battle, except he was already drowning.” He gripped Butch’s upper arm.“But you need to remember one thing. None of us wanted him dead.Youdidn’t want him dead.”
“So what if it was just words?” Butch protested.“We were dicks, sure, but I treated him horribly, and it drove him to—”
“Stop,” Sol interjected. He squared his shoulders. “Ever since I saw you here, I’ve been trying to tell you something, and you kept shutting me down.”
“Can you blame me? I didn’t wanna talk about this.”
Sol grabbed Butch’s wrists and held them tight. “But you’re going to listen to me now, okay? Because there’s something you need to hear.” He looked Butch in the eye. “I might have believed it once, but that was before I learned the truth. Scott didnotkill himself because of either of us.”
Butch gazed at him with a pained expression. “You don’t know that.”
Sol sighed. “Actually? Yes, I do.”
Chapter 44
Sol lay on his side on the bed, his head resting in his hand, and gestured for Butch to join him. They faced each other, and Sol’s heartbeat raced.
He has to know.
He took Butch’s left hand in his and raised it into the air, gazing at the Roman numerals etched into his skin. “When I saw this tattoo for the first time, its significance was lost on me—until I Googled it.ThenI knew what it was. And I also knew I had to tell you what I’d discovered.” He lowered Butch’s arm.
“I still think you—”
Sol covered Butch’s lips with his fingers. “Nope. This is where you get to listen tome, remember?” He waited until Butch nodded before removing them. “Okay then. After college I didn’t return to Casper. I found a job in Gillette, and although it was only two hours away from home, it was enough. I didn’t want to live in Casper, maybe for the same reasons you left. Why would I stay and be surrounded by people who’d known me in high school? I didn’t want to see them, didn’t want to be reminded of… everything.”
“I hear that,” Butch murmured.
“Eventually I ended up in Cheyenne.” He smiled. “From the north of Wyoming to about as far south as you could get. And I was happy there—for a while—but that’s not what I want to talk about.Thisstory takes place in 2008, when my parents were celebrating forty years of marriage. Alli organized a big shindig, and I went back to Casper.” He chuckled. “That was some party. Anyhow, I was there for a week, and before I left, Mom got a call from Melissa Nelson.”
Butch blinked. “Scott’s mom?”
He nodded. “She was finally leaving Casper. I think she’d only stayed because her brother Errol came to live with her after her husband died, and he’d made a home for himself. But then he decided it was time to make a move, and she didn’t want to stay there on her own. She’d found a place in Rock Springs, a retirement community, so she wouldn’t be alone. Only, there wasn’t going to be an awful lot of space, and she was downsizing like crazy. So there she was, packing up all her stuff and trying to decide what to keep and what to either sell, give away, or simply put in the trash. She called my mom and asked for some help. Mom and Mrs. Nelson were good friends. I think my mom felt guilty when she learned about… Scott.”
“I was gonna ask if your mom knew.”
Another nod. “I told her. I didn’t want her hearing it from someone else. And yeah, that’s another story for another time. So Mom went over there, and I thought she’d be gone a couple of hours, but it was nearly midnight when she got home.” His throat tightened at the memory. “I’d never seen her in such a state. She walked into the living room, over to the liquor cabinet, and poured herself a belt of whiskey. And Imeana belt.” Sol shuddered. “Except Mom never drank more than a sip at New Year’s, or maybe Christmas Eve. So I asked her what had happened.”
His stomach clenched. He could still hear her voice.
Wednesday, September 17, 2008
“Mom, you’re scaring me.” In all Sol’s thirty-eight years, he couldn’t recall ever seeing her so distressed. He couldn’t even call for his dad—he’d gone fishing with Sol’s two uncles.
