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“Because it didn’t fit in with the way I saw myself, that’s why.” Butch rubbed his hands on his jeans. “But others saw me for who I was—the first guy I ever fucked, Teague—they tried to get me to see the truth, ’cept I wasn’t listening.”
Sol joined him on the bench. “I’m listening, though.”
Butch studied his clasped hands. “I told myself I went with guys because it was convenient. And the guys were always the same kind—guys who couldn’t be out at home, straight guys who were curious… In all those years, I got sucked off and I fucked a lot of asses. Never got my lips around a dick, though. And do you know why?”
“I have an idea. Tell me your theory.”
Butch nodded. “I think that’s because you’re another guy who sees through me. I’ve been fooling myself. I told myself I just wasn’t keen on giving blow jobs, but that wasn’t true. Because having a dick in your mouth? You do that, and there’s no way of denying you’re with a guy. And if I stuck with receiving and being the one doing the fucking, then I could close my eyes and pretend I was with a girl.”
“You wouldn’t be the first man to do that,” Sol murmured.
“Thing is, I got stuck in a rut. And I think the reason I got uncomfortable in that rut was because I knew I was lying to myself. Teague calling a halt to us was the best thing he could’ve done.”
“Does this mean there’ll be no more hiding?”
“Yeah, no more. And this time I mean it. I’m gonna be honest with the guys too.” He turned to look at Sol. “You asked if I knew I wasn’t straight back in high school. I did, but that was only because there was someone I was… interested in.”
“I guess he never knew how you felt.”
“No sir, he did not. But if I’d had the courage to tell him, to be honest, things might have been very different—for both of us.” Butch shivered. “And that’s all I’m gonna say on that subject.” He felt wiped out.
“So you weren’t secretly madly in love with me?” Sol quipped, his eyes twinkling.
Butch laughed, andLord, it felt good. “Thanks. I needed that. And no.”
You’re being honest, remember?
Butch guessed it was like any new habit—do it enough times and it would become second nature.
He gave Sol a smile. “Always thought you were good-looking, though. Better-looking than I was. I could never understand why you didn’t have a girlfriend.” He chuckled. “And now I know.”
Sol looked him in the eye, and Butch was glad he was sitting down. That searching gaze left him feeling certain Sol could see right through him.
Enough talking.
“Wanna give me the five-cent tour now?”
Sol shook his head. “That can wait for another day. Besides, it’s supper time soon. But thereissomething I want to do.”
“And what’s that?”
Sol rose, stood in front of him, grabbed Butch’s hands, and tugged him to his feet before enfolding him in a hug.
A wave of warmth flooded through him at the unexpected embrace, and he relished the sensation of being surrounded by strength in a show of friendship.
Well fuck. Teague was right again.
Then Sol released him, and Butch felt the loss immediately.
“Thank you for sharing all that with me,” Sol said in a low voice. “It can’t have been easy.”
“You havenoidea.”
Sol cocked his head. “But you do feel better for letting it all out, don’t you?”
Butch laughed. “Good Lord. First Teague, now you. Yes, okay? Yes, I feel better.”
Except better wasn’t an adequate description.
