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Best.Something about the word rang hollow. But closing the email withLove, Tony,like I really wanted to, would’ve been too much for the circumstances, more than I was ready to lay on her, especially through a medium as impersonal as email.
As soon as I pressed send, a pang of longing washed over me. The cold glow of the computer screen couldn't warm the emptiness that filled the space where Jude should be. I sighed, pushing away from the desk, and stepped back into the chaos of my waiting family, chaos that during those moments I was more than grateful.
Chapter 30
Jude
The night Tony stood me up, sleep had been a game of tag I was losing. Every time I almost caught it, my mind decided to race off on another horrible tangent. I had no idea where he was or if something had happened to him. It wasn't like him to just disappear. I knew I should eat something but between the worry and the morning sickness, food was the last thing on my mind.
I was sprawled on my couch, the low noise of the morning news on TV serving as my only company. My phone had become like an extra appendage. I jumped when it pinged a notification, almost dropping it in the process of checking what it was—an email notification from work.
My heart rocketed up into my throat, adrenaline flushing through my system as I opened the email. I read it once, then twice, just to make sure I wasn't hallucinating from lack of sleep.
Spain. Heart attack. Phone left behind. It was like I'd been thrown into the deep end of a cold pool. But amidst the shock, there was a sigh of relief. He was safe. He hadn’t ghosted me.
And the cherry on top? He missed me.
I clutched my phone lovingly to my chest. This was far from the scenario I had imagined. But at least now, I had answers. And a whole new set of worries.
My fingers danced across the phone screen as fast as they could, replying to his email. My eyes were dry, and my hands were shaky, but my mind was surprisingly clear.
I was relieved that his father was on the mend. I told him as much, expressing how happy I was to hear that the surgery went well and that his father was recovering. "Keep me in the loop, okay? I'd really appreciate it," I wrote. And then, without thinking, I added, "I miss you, too."
I looked at the screen, chewing my bottom lip. Did I miss him? Hell yes. More than I’d thought I could miss anyone.
And before I could second guess myself, I added a "P.S. I love you."
I froze. Did I just...?
I stared at the words. There they were, in black and white, staring back at me. Was I ready to admit to myself that I was in love with him? Even more so, was I ready totellhim that I was?
Well, hell. I guess I was. Because even as my brain screamed at me that it was insane, my heart was beating a steadyyes, yes, yes.
With a sharp inhale, I quickly hit the backspace button. I knew I loved him but it wasn’t the time to tell him, he didn't need that added complication. I deleted the line and ended it with a simpleTake care. But that didn’t seem right either, too businesslike, too professional.
"P.S. Will you be back by Christmas?" I quickly typed out, deciding that mundane future plans were a safer bet.
Pressing send, I sat back, staring at my phone. How was I going to navigate the weeks or possibly months ahead without him knowing I was pregnant?
I let out a sigh, tossing my phone aside. It landed on the cushion next to me, and I stared at it as if it were a beacon in the night. Tony was safe.
* * *
By the time I saw his response two days had passed, and he'd sent it in the wee hours of Colorado time. I had settled into my new role as OR manager, which I was thrilled about, but it was also keeping me very busy.
I was swamped with a mountain of responsibilities, learning the ropes of the management side of things and keeping up with the admin work that came with it. However, I loved the new challenge. The mental stimulation helped me navigate through my day, keeping me occupied and focused. Yet there were moments here and there when my mind would veer off to Tony, the baby, and the whirlwind of emotion and possibility surrounding it all.
Then there was the morning sickness.
While it wasn’t the throw-up-your-guts kind, it was definitely a presence. I felt a constant knot of queasiness in my stomach from the moment I woke up until mid-morning. The nausea was like an annoying background hum that wouldn't shut up until I had eaten something substantial.
The odors in the hospital didn’t help either, adding another layer of discomfort. I’d been in the medical field for so long and had become desensitized to most things, it was ironic how pregnancy brought a heightened sense of smell that was more of a curse than a blessing in my current environment.
I managed with a few sips of ginger ale or saltines. Both would often help settle my stomach, and I found solace in the routine of my day. I was learning to navigate this new world of mine, filled with the excitement of my job and my pregnancy.
Reading his words, I felt a pang of longing. I missed him. Despite the looming conversation we needed to have, I missed his presence, his voice, his touch.
I could almost feel Tony's weariness. His words were wrapped in an exhaustion that I could almost feel. He detailed his situation, explaining that he would likely be in Spain until a week or so after Christmas, which was just around the corner.
